I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself these past couple of weeks about being single. This I blame on my birthday that is coming up in less than a month. I have withdrawn from hanging out with my friends and family. I have to say that I honestly don't feel like I have any friends. I am alone. I have my dogs who I love but no people in my life that I care for. The thing is I get on these trips about not wanting to be alone but when I am social I am uncomfortable with it. I worry too much.
the people who i mostly hang out with are folks that i work with because i see them. i dont have to make any effort they are where i am. now that i have started a new job, the folks in my old department are trying to maintain a relationshiop with me and i am not interested. i wonder why this is. something must really be wrong with me. i dont want people around but i feel like soemthing is missing. the only thing is with a person to split the bills with that would make it easier but i dont think i have it in me to be in a relationship. i am trying dating once again and i do not like anyone. i know i dont want to be single forever but i am not desparate. i dont want to be with just anyone. also, i feel like i have a lot to offer someone.
i blame this on my up bringing. people are depensible, replaceable and not something worth holding on to. this is something i learned.
i went to my sisters house the other day for dinner. i wanted to tell her about my challenges at work and how i was stressed out. when i explained to her what was going on at work she told me those aren't things to stress over and that she wished she had challenges like this. then went on to say that her issues are bigger than mine and her work place is much worse. she also went on to say that her job is much bigger and more important than mine.
now, when i go to someone to share how i am feeling and they shut me down telling me those arent problems, i will not share with this person again. i dont have anyone to talk to about my stuff. people are really self-centered when you get to a certain age. one of my old coworkers who likes to make plans with me only to cancel at the last minute really likes to talk about her drama. when i have anything to discuss she cuts me off and continues to talk about herself.
when i talk to this man who i thought i had feelings for but it turns out that i just like the taboo of a coworker romance. this person and i havent seen each other in a month. when we do see each other i do all this talking while he looks off into space and when i say he isn't listening he just repeats the last thing i said. now repeating what i said doesnt mean he is listening. i am so not happy with that relationship and i told him so. he wanted to have a discussion so i could argue my point of view. this isn't a debate nor a discussion. this is how i feel and if you dont change how you act i am out. instead of having that dicussion/debate, i chose to not see him ever again. he invited me to his kids birthday party and i declined in my rsvp and he was upset at my reply.
i dont know how is on my team. for some reason i thought that if i was a true friend i would get true friends. instead i have a box full of jerks. family and friends together. now what? now what do i do? are there any quality people out there? do i just settle? now if i settle on my friends and family (which i have no choice) how can i settle on a companion/mate/boyfriend/husband? i have to have standards somewhere. i mean i do have standards.
maybe i should be more flexible and less rigid. maybe this is all my doing from being hurt so many times be people and having people lose my trust and my friendship. stabbed in the back too many times does make you jaded. i mean with friends like that who needs enemies, right? lets see how many other cliches can i think of about this whole thing?
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