Friday 11/30/12

I may be my biggest hater.  After arguing with myself on the drive home last night, i think i finally came to the realization and that i need to make it stick this time.  Zack is not the one.  Zack is garbage.  Zack does not want to be with me and will never want to be with me.  I need to give up.  I need to stop.  I need to leave that fool alone and move on.  Erase him from all of my routines.  No more scheduled lunches no more nothing.

I had this long discussion on my 45 minute commute home last night.  Telling myself that I am really sick.  If Zack wanted me then I wouldn't want him.  The only reason I want him is because he doesn't want me back.  I don't really find him attractive he is pretty nondescript.  Just an average guy looks like a million other dudes in america.  his personality is pretty boring as well.  i mean i honestly cant think of the reason why i even like him other than there isn't anyone else around that i am remotely interested in. 

i have to think about this more and maybe i will stumble across some type of self discovery.  I dont know what my problem is other than growing up without a dad and having a mom who did everything.  i dont know what i would do with him. 

Last nights thoughts
I thought that our relationship meant the same to the both of us.  I thought that we cared about each other and that we were emotionally secure with each other.  When he stopped talking to me for those two months it became real clear that he does not care about me.  He doesn't care about my feelings.  He only cares about himself and how he feels. This is the reason why he wanted to see each other more often because of his needs not because of my needs.
I cant be that bad of a person if he wants to spend time with me.

i am so tired of being up in my head and trying to figure out things even if there is nothing to figure out.  it is what it is right.  take it at face value.  he doesnt want to be with me.  he wants to be friends and spend time together regularly but he doesnt want anything else to do with you.  this is so painful for me to say and to realize but it is true and sad. 

i really need to be nice to myself.  i am going to be a lot nicier to myself from now on.  this is ridiculous and i dont deserve this at all.

Step 1.
remove myself from ABOG
i cant handle this commitment it is too much with my new job.
done and done

Step 2.
do not commit to anything with zack and no more lunches. do not text zack either.

step 3.
remove his name from my mouth

step 4.
do not think of having a future with him.