monday 11/19/2012

I am trying to understand Zack.  I am giving him his space.  i have feelings for him.  I hope this isn't some kind of mania brought on by my meds side effects.  I am feeling a sense of love and i am not sure it is real.  i hate being in my head like this.  is it because of my daydreaming or of my dreaming that i am feeling such love?  I am not sure.  based on actual events i could have fabricated a feeling. is there such of a thing as one-sided intimacy.  i believe there is something wrong with me and relationships.

after lunch with zack i am more in love with him then i was yesterday.  he wanted to give me a hug hafgter lunch which was so unlike him.  i really, really want to be with that man and i dont know why he doesnt want me to be with him.  i am not sure what that is all about.  we are pretty much a couple. i

11/16/2012 Friday

Lunch with Zack.  Things are different.  He said my name so many times.  The lunch even ended with a hug.  Which it never does.  In front of the student union of all places.  I thought he was too embarassed/ashamed to hug me in public.  Maybe that was myself just trying to make sense of the whole thing.

I feel like things are different but I don't know if that is because i want to feel that way.

October 29, 2012

Latest and Greatest from Zack:
Last week, Zack decided to argue with me about who isn't talking to who. 

Friday:
I texted him because I wanted to see what was going on only because he text me Thursday when I was out sick and he asked me to lunch after not going to lunch in 7 weeks. 

I ask, "why haven't you been talking to me?"

He responds two and a half hours later and says, "I invited you over and to lunch but you don't seem interested.  I haven't been over in my neck of the woods for a while and the last time I stopped by you weren't there.

I say, "None of that answers my question.  You're not taking an interest in what's going on with me. Why?" 

His reponse was this:
Well, the general issue is that the past five weeks has been crazy busy and I haven't shown an interest in too much other than work.  That's compounded by my perception that you have an issue with me and haven't talked to me either.  Nonetheless, I don't have an issue other than too much work.

I didn't respond.

That was friday.

Today being Monday, I want to start fresh.  I am not very happy with this person.  I was in tears at my desk.  I just have my feelings confirmed that this man does not care for me or about me and is not going to anytime sense.

October Entry

Okay so I haven't vented in a while.  Now, why is that?  I guess because I have the exact same things going on now that I did a month ago and it is just tiresome.

New job: likes & dislikes:
I like the differences in my new position.  I don't like the things that are the same at my previous position.  I do like working with a smaller staff.  It is easier to blow people off and traing them to leave you alone than in a work place of 100+ staff.  I like being able to talk to my boss and tell her what i want to do and train on.  That relationship is very important to me so I am glad that I get to start over with a new boss who is somewhat knowledgable of her position.  I do not like that my previous boss calls me and is close by.  I would love to cut all ties to that place.

Love life update:
The love life is still quite unexistant and that is with me joining several online dating sites.  I am the girl that guys do not like. i honestly cannot put my finger on the reason why I am so unappealing to the opposite sex so I give up even trying to figure out what the problem is. 

I have this long list of goals that i wanted to accomplish and one by one i am knocking them off of my list.  the one that is difficult for me to get checked off is the whole children thing.  that is because i need another person's assistance in order for this task to be complete. i would love to have someone around for a while to help me in that case. 

I was hoping that my ex-coworker Zack was going to want to be with me after I left that place.  I find it interesting how dynamics change and lives changes all with switching to a different department.  I haven't seen Zack in 7 weeks.  He is mad at me for something right now I am sure.  It all has to do with me not doing something that he wanted. I wasn't available to him when he thought I would drop everything at the snap of a finger for him.  No, I'm okay.  If he's not doing anything for me then thats what he is getting from me. Nothing.  I just don't understand his behavior.  What troubles me even more is my response to his behavior.  Why am I attracted to it and pulled toward him when he treats me this way.  That is the thing that troubles me the most.  He doesn't offer me any kind of support or kindness.  Why did I have him around for so long?  What did I get out of the relationship?  I don't think I got much which is why I was always trying to get more attention and more out of him and now that I am looking at the relationship from a distance I have a different perspective on the situation.  I don't think he is missing me in any way.  I don't think he is thinking about me at all.  I think he got what he wanted from me and he is over it now.  this is very depressing for me to say but I think he just used me for ego stroking or boosting and now that it is too much work he is done with me.

I told him that I didn't feel that our friendship was fair.  I felt that he wasn't giving as much as I was.  he wanted to argue.  I don't like or want to argue when it comes to my feelings because you cannot argue a feeling.  it is there whether you like it or not.  that is the point of the feelings you don't have control over when they pop up for the most part but you have control over you long you want to ride that wave. 

I feel like with Zack i have no control.  I am very attracted to him which I don't get because he isn't much to look at.  He is very average.  I must be attracted to the personality and physical combination.  Lately, I have been withholding from contacting Zack in anyway.  I have been going out with people and having a good time and not drunk texting him.  I haven't text him to see how he is doing so our communication has stopped.  I think this is all because of me.  I am not longer reaching out to him and opening that line of communication.  now that i am realizing this, i wonder if the whole relationship was in my mind.  was there even a relationship or did i make this up.

Am I Okay with being Single?

I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself these past couple of weeks about being single.  This I blame on my birthday that is coming up in less than a month.  I have withdrawn from hanging out with my friends and family.  I have to say that I honestly don't feel like I have any friends.  I am alone.  I have my dogs who I love but no people in my life that I care for.  The thing is I get on these trips about not wanting to be alone but when I am social I am uncomfortable with it.  I worry too much. 

the people who i mostly hang out with are folks that i work with because i see them.  i dont have to make any effort they are where i am.  now that i have started a new job, the folks in my old department are trying to maintain a relationshiop with me and i am not interested.  i wonder why this is. something must really be wrong with me.  i dont want people around but i feel like soemthing is missing.  the only thing is with a person to split the bills with that would make it easier but i dont think i have it in me to be in a relationship.  i am trying dating once again and i do not like anyone.   i know i dont want to be single forever but i am not desparate. i dont want to be with just anyone.  also, i feel like i have a lot to offer someone.

i blame this on my up bringing.  people are depensible, replaceable and not something worth holding on to.  this is something i learned.

i went to my sisters house the other day for dinner.  i wanted to tell her about my challenges at work and how i was stressed out.  when i explained to her what was going on at work she told me those aren't things to stress over and that she wished she had challenges like this.  then went on to say that her issues are bigger than mine and her work place is much worse.  she also went on to say that her job is much bigger and more important than mine.

now, when i go to someone to share how i am feeling and they shut me down telling me those arent problems, i will not share with this person again.  i dont have anyone to talk to about my stuff. people are really self-centered when you get to a certain age.  one of my old coworkers who likes to make plans with me only to cancel at the last minute really likes to talk about her drama.  when i have anything to discuss she cuts me off and continues to talk about herself.

when i talk to this man who i thought i had feelings for but it turns out that i just like the taboo of a coworker romance.  this person and i havent seen each other in a month.  when we do see each other i do all this talking while he looks off into space and when i say he isn't listening he just repeats the last thing i said.  now repeating what i said doesnt mean he is listening.  i am so not happy with that relationship and i told him so.  he wanted to have a discussion so i could argue my point of view.  this isn't a debate nor a discussion.  this is how i feel and if you dont change how you act i am out.  instead of having that dicussion/debate, i chose to not see him ever again.  he invited me to his kids birthday party and i declined in my rsvp and he was upset at my reply.

i dont know how is on my team. for some reason i thought that if i was a true friend i would get true friends. instead i have a box full of jerks. family and friends together. now what?  now what do i do?  are there any quality people out there? do i just settle?  now if i settle on my friends and family (which i have no choice) how can i settle on a companion/mate/boyfriend/husband?  i have to have standards somewhere.  i mean i do have standards.

maybe i should be more flexible and less rigid.  maybe this is all my doing from being hurt so many times be people and having people lose my trust and my friendship.  stabbed in the back too many times does make you jaded.  i mean with friends like that who needs enemies, right?  lets see how many other cliches can i think of about this whole thing?

New Job

I have been at a new job for almost two months.  I was so excited to try something new and for new challenges.  I was also excited because I thought that this would mean that my work buddy would now want to date me or consider dating me because we no longer work together so that it would be okay now.  NOPE.  that is not the case.  We have gone to dinner but with this children. He invited me to his house but there were other people there and there was a few weeks there were we were going to lunch together.  I am annoyed by this man.  The work excuse was just that, an excuse.  He doesn't want to date me period.  It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing he just doesn't want me. Period.  Now I don't understadn this because I am so much better than he is.  He should feel so lucky to have someone like me want to be with him.  He wants to talk to me everyday he wants to spend time with me every week but he does not want to date me.  I hate that so much that I am cutting him off.  No more lunches, dinners, parties nothing.  I am done.  I am going to play the game like a man now.  Its going to be like this: If you dont do what i want i am leaving no comprimise no notice just deuces.

I have a feeling that i will run into him this week so i am going to have to come up with a plan for what i will do if and when that happens or just let happen and whatever goes, goes.  over this drama.  i am over being rejected by dudes that suck.  people say you have to put yourself out there.  i am doing that and what is out there is a bunch of trash.  lame1