Monday 12/31/12

Say goodbye to 2012 and hello 2013.  I have a great feeling about the new year.  I am saying goodbye to old way of thinking and past relationships that are destructive to my wellbeing.  I am also looking to do more for myself and not take everything so seriously.  one day at a time and chill is my new way of living.  also, i have been feeling the need to clean more and often.  i dont know why but this can only be a good thing. I also plan on taking two vacations this year.  short trips but lots of fun and time to decompress.  palm springs and salem.

i am still happy about my decision and as it turns out he must be happy too because i havent heard from him at all.  i wonder if he will text me happy new year and i think this is the final test.  that will be the final confirmation that he is done with me if i do not hear from him for new years.  i guess i dont really need him or want him in my life.  i have been real chill.  cooking, cleaning and reading books.  taking things slowly and enjoying myself before i have to go back to work.

anyway, i will see what is up in a few hours.

Happy new year.

Sunday 12/23/12

The day before christmas eve.  I am alone.  I like it that way.  I have a list of things I need to do before I housesit for the next week. The only bad thing about me being alone is that I am alone with my thoughts and who knows where they will take me.  I have been watching movies on netflix streaming but i think i am to a point where i have seen just about everything on netflix streaming that i am intersted in.  now i am watching not so interesting stuff and it is bothering me. I really want to be active and go on this walk that i planned on doing but for some reason i cant get off my butt and go outside.  it is still early i am just really comfortable and it is cold outside.  my two little dogs are keeping me company on the couch one on each side keeping me warm.  i really love those two little fuzzy bodies. 

The year is just about over.  I have accomplished goals that i set last year.  A new job which was priority number one and I am happy to have left that job and that i am learning new things.  My next goal is a family.  I want children so bad and i am not getting any younger.  I love my chihuahuas but I want actual children.  I keep dreaming of them too.  Before my dreams were real vague when it comes to children now they are getting more detailed.  I can see their faces now and they have a voice.  I really want them so bad.  I feel like everyone i grew up with is married with children or pregnant.  i am not married or in a relationship or pregnant.  i would take pregnant over married but i would like to be married.  after putting up such a fight over married i would like to be married just to have someone in my life who is  legally obligated to pay for half of our living expenses and our children.  i mean it doesnt sound so bad when you put it into dollars and cents.

the silly thing about me is that i thought that zack was the guy for me.  i thought that he and i made perfect sense and that we got along so well.  the thing with me is that i have crushes on me for a real long time but when they like me back i dont want anything to do with them.  i know this has to be a fear of intimacy and committment and abandonment.  i know i have issues otherwise i wouldnt seek out unavailable men or men who want nothing to do with me.  it really is a sickness and it has to do with me having daddy issues i am sure.

i thought zack understood that and i thought we were making such excellent progress in our relationship.  maybe we were and that is why he pushed back so much.  either way it isn't like him to not give me a gift or something for the holidays.  he must really be upset.  i will eventually stop talking about hiim and stop thinking about him entirely just like i did with all of the other men i have been interested in.  he will only be a memory that i have to force myself to realize or remember that this actually happened.  that i used to talk about him so much and think about him so much and fanticize about having a family with him and spending my life with this man.  then he will meet someone and fall in love in the next two years.  this seems to be what happens with me and my guys.  they next girl they meet they fall for.

i am such a sad case.  alone, lonely woman with dogs who writes about a man who doesnt love her on a daily basis in hopes that this will serve as some kind of therapy because i have to get it out somewhere.  i have to get this out and since talking about it makes me feel like shit if i write about it anonymously then i can say whatever i want and not care.

Saturday 12/22/2012

Well, I got up at 4 this morning and I couldn't go back to sleep.  I don't know why but I just couldn't go back to sleep.  It is finally cold and I have all of my heaters on.  My dogs are freezing their little fuzzy bunnies off too.  I put their sweaters on and one of them is really pissed at me because he doesn't like wearing his sweater.  Anyway,  I heard from cowboy last night.  He told me that he likes me.  for some reason, that really meant a lot to me.  I have been feeling like nobody likes me these days.  I really, really want to be married but I am having a difficult time finding someone I like.  I don't think cowboy is the guy for me.  He doesn't have much going on and doesn't have any goals.  He is content with where he is and he is working two jobs and struggling to pay his bills.  He doesn't have time for me and no money to do things with.  I don't have money either so it would be a good idea to be with someone in the same place as me or with more money right.  I don't know but we don't have anything in common and he talks a lot.  i think its because he is nervous but who knows.

I thought that i would meet someone online this year but that didn't happen.  i met cowboy this year and dave last year and aaron the year before that.  so far nothing is sticking just dating.  now that zack is out of the picture i guess i should be able to focus better on finding someone else and not relying on him as a back up or to fullfill a need that i have from the opposite sex.

i am having a charlie brown marathon at home trying to get into the holiday spirit and it is working.  i am very happy that we are not exchanging gifts this year one less thing to worry about.  i dont like spending the money and doing all the shopping for other folks only for them to not liek the gift or to give me a gift that i dont like.  i am so happy about that this year.  i am going to be housesitting for my sister for a week. basically watching her dogs and keeping them company and staying at her unfriend house.  i could be a nice house but it is cold and dark.  i dont know why they just dont know how to create a home but they dont.  their furniture sucks as well. 

anyway,  i have a schedule that i created for myself in order to continue being physically active during this time of year when i dont want to do anything and just stay at home on th ecouch wiht my dogs.  i have mapped out a mile and a half walk and my challenge is to walk that at least once this break.  i have also mapped out a few routes around my sisters place for me to do while i am on break.  the only thing is that i heard it is supposed to rain so we will see if i am able to get out there.

lets start the new year off fresh.  i am very excited about 2013.  i feel like the baby is coming.  i am very excited to meet someone and start a family

Visit to the old dept

so an ex-coworker had their retirement party today and i went. despite the fact that i didnt receive an invitation because the person sending them out is a bitter old hag.  I went and had a great time.  i was welcomed by all or by most is what i should say. someone who i thought was my friend didnt talk to me or really awknowledge that i was there.  i dont understand what is up with that person but check the deuces homie.

Wednesday 12/19/12

Today is a great day.  I get to leave after our company lunch today and that is awesome.  i decided yesterday to defriend or unfriend zack.  after he embarassed me monday by ignoring me and not showing appreciation of the gift i made from scratch for him i dont think he deserves to be in my life.  i took a poll from my friends and not one person feels i should let him be in my life.  i honestly dont think he wants to be in my life anyway. 

in my meditation class last night i was in tears balling because something came to light that i have buried deep.  i have to get rid of him.  he doesnt respect me and it has been my experience that people will always treat you however you let them.  he isn't learning and i am not being hard enough on him to teach him.  so i have to be done with him.

unfriending him on facebook may not work because he doesnt post to my wall ever anyway but i do know that he does facebook stalk me.  this is good for me but will also be a test to see if he even notices and if he does notice what does he do with it. 

i just remembered that i also sent him some of my favorite tea and he didnt thank me for that.  i have to be done because no matter how busy someone is there is no excuse for bad behavior or rudeness towards a friend or towards someone who is showing you kindness.

Tuesday 12/18/2012

I can't wait for 2013.  This is going to be a great year.  i can feel it. 

for some reason i keep dreaming about guys from my past. exboyfriends and ex-crushes.  it might have to do with seeing on their facebook pages that these men who wanted nothing to do with me are now in relationships with manly looking females.  i mean to each their own but i look a million times better than these chicks.  which leads me to believe that the way i look isn't the problem it has to be something else.

i have come into contact with someone who turned out to be real attractive so i have been thinking about him a lot.  i dont think anythign will come of it because he lives far away but it is nice to think about things like that.  he is real attractive. i feel like i should tell him so but he probably hears that all the time.

i feel great.  i had a great lunch today burrito bowl from chipotle.  i got some sun and a walk in so i am feeling good right now. 

yesterday zack acted like he didnt know me.  which i dont really understand what his problem is.  he didnt want to walk over to a party with me.  while at the party he didnt sit with me.  he came over to my table later but when i wasnt there.  then when i came over he left.  when i would move around the room he would come near me but not talk to me. i have no idea what that is all about. it did bother me.  like he didnt want anyone to know or show anyone that we were cool but he couldn't stay away.  i have no idea what that is but it proves that he is garbage.  if he is too ashamed of me or whatever then forget him.  i have no idea what is going on but i dont have a crystal ball to figure it out.  i think he is mad or something at me and isn't trying to get caught up in anything with me. especially since i experience emotions and i am loud about it.  i think i made him uncomfortable.  i dont really care if i do.  i cant help feeling what i feel and he was concerned about me then he wouldnt allow for me to feel that way by acting the way he does.  this makes sense to me but not to him.  he doesnt get it.

i have been thinking about him a little but not very much.  he wont let me.  his family is coming in town tomorrow i think.  i doubt that he will do anything with me over break or for the holiday.  if he doesn't then our friendship is definately over.

i have been talking to some friend and they have given me excellent advice on the whole thing. if someone isn't treating you right this is what you do.

"You love yourself more.. When we can fully appreciate what we bring to table it's easier to evaluate who is contributing to your life and who is detracting from it. So love yourself more.. Then you will have no choice but to acknowledge your value and demand that they put more on the table if they want to stay at the table. "

i guess if iw as to take this person's advice i would just walk away.

Monday 12/17/2012

I have no idea how much i weigh.  I was afraid to get on the scale this morning.  I have had a real eventful weekend full of cooking and shopping.  My two favorite things to do.  I have decided what i want in my home so my home projects list is ready.

Kitchen
1st: remove kitchen cabinets and hinges
2nd: paint kitchen cabinets
3rd: install cabinets with new hinges
4th: install knobs on cabinets
5th: new backsplash
6th: new countertops

bathroom
1. spackle bathroom ceiling
2. paint ceiling arabian sands
3. paint bathroom toasted wheat


kitchen:
backsplash
countertops

I have a great feeling about this.

friday 12/14/12

Friday:

well, i am here at work alone spent the morning knocking out some netflix.  i am glad to get those out in the mail they werent very good.  anyway, so like usual i am keeping track of the time apart from my friend.  it has been three weeks since we spent time together.  i tink he is okay with this.  this only means i wont see or spend time with him for the rest of the year.

he is mad at me that is totally fine or he thinks i am mad at him which is fine as well.  i think i need some separation from him.  i mean a lot of separation. he really bothers me.  he is the one who wanted to go to lunch on a weekly basis and he is the one that stopped going to lunch with me and never talked about it again after one time.  i am so tired of this clown.  if he is busy that is a lie because he hasn't been talking to me at all. no text, email, voicemail nothing.  i am so done with his  bull shit and he can suck it big time with all of that irrational reasoning bs he does. 

when do you know you are lonely?  what are the signs of loneliness?  i mean i would love to be in a couple but i haven't been in a couple for such a long time.  nine years so really what am i missing?  i am not sure?

Friday 12/7/12

i had a great time last night catching up with a couple of ex coworkers.  we laughed and had a great old time. i havent had fun with those two in a long time.  i am glad that we were  actually able to get together this time.

anyway, as a result of last night i am scheduled to run my first 5k in february.  i am excited and nervous about it but i am doing it.  this is just what i need to get my butt in gear.  i love having goals.   also, one of the girls wants to walk the perimeter of the university once a week and i told her i would do that with her.  i need to move more.  i am getting real excited because i lost 5.3 lbs in a month and i didnt even know i was doing it.  i can't believe it.  i think it has to do with not having much of an appetite and not feeling the need to eat everything in sight due to depression.

Well, let's note that today is friday and i havent heard from Zack since last week friday when i asked him if we were going to lunch and he said no.  when he stopped by on tuesday i didnt drop everything to give him all of my attention. he said hi and i said hi and that was it.  over that chump.  i am not exactly sure what the deal is with him but i think i am just done.  i am tired and frustrated with him way too much to even entertain spending any time with him.

i am much more interested in losing weight and being healthy both physically, mentally and emotionally and i think he henders me from doing that.  he doesnt support me and he doesnt really do much for me. i am done.

Anyway, i know this is a tired ass conversation that i have on a monthly or so basis.  i am not sure how long this will last.

Monday 12/3/12

Okay, so come to find out Zack was at a training all afternoon.  I only know that because I know other folks that were in the training not because he told me.  I mean that is an okay reason for not going to lunch with me on our scheduled day but he didnt tell me.  i had to ask him.  i am not asking again.  i am not talking to him either. I havent heard from him since then anyway.  i am so done with garbage.  he wants to act like a child then fine. act like a child then.

I just found out that my high school best friend is pregnant.  i am so jealous.  she is due in the summer of next year.  i really want a baby and i wanted next year to be my year for a baby.  well she is married so she has a guy and it is so much easier to get pregnant when you have a guy.  unlike my single self who will have to go out and buy ingredient instead of natural consumation.

Friday 11/30/12

I may be my biggest hater.  After arguing with myself on the drive home last night, i think i finally came to the realization and that i need to make it stick this time.  Zack is not the one.  Zack is garbage.  Zack does not want to be with me and will never want to be with me.  I need to give up.  I need to stop.  I need to leave that fool alone and move on.  Erase him from all of my routines.  No more scheduled lunches no more nothing.

I had this long discussion on my 45 minute commute home last night.  Telling myself that I am really sick.  If Zack wanted me then I wouldn't want him.  The only reason I want him is because he doesn't want me back.  I don't really find him attractive he is pretty nondescript.  Just an average guy looks like a million other dudes in america.  his personality is pretty boring as well.  i mean i honestly cant think of the reason why i even like him other than there isn't anyone else around that i am remotely interested in. 

i have to think about this more and maybe i will stumble across some type of self discovery.  I dont know what my problem is other than growing up without a dad and having a mom who did everything.  i dont know what i would do with him. 

Last nights thoughts
I thought that our relationship meant the same to the both of us.  I thought that we cared about each other and that we were emotionally secure with each other.  When he stopped talking to me for those two months it became real clear that he does not care about me.  He doesn't care about my feelings.  He only cares about himself and how he feels. This is the reason why he wanted to see each other more often because of his needs not because of my needs.
I cant be that bad of a person if he wants to spend time with me.

i am so tired of being up in my head and trying to figure out things even if there is nothing to figure out.  it is what it is right.  take it at face value.  he doesnt want to be with me.  he wants to be friends and spend time together regularly but he doesnt want anything else to do with you.  this is so painful for me to say and to realize but it is true and sad. 

i really need to be nice to myself.  i am going to be a lot nicier to myself from now on.  this is ridiculous and i dont deserve this at all.

Step 1.
remove myself from ABOG
i cant handle this commitment it is too much with my new job.
done and done

Step 2.
do not commit to anything with zack and no more lunches. do not text zack either.

step 3.
remove his name from my mouth

step 4.
do not think of having a future with him.

Friday 11/30/12

Rainy day Friday. 

I feel great this morning.  I didn't go for my walk but that's because it's raining like crazy up in Los Angeles this morning.  I dont have an umbrella either.  I am feeling pretty great this morning.  I am not sure why but I will take it.  I am so hopeful.  I feel like great things are going to happen to me soon.  I am so optimistic i love it. I had a great dream last night.  One that left me feeling great about myself. 

Thursday 11/29/12

After having yet another discussion with Zack.  I am ready to just stop getting my hopes up with him.  He keeps referring to me as a friend and I am really tired of it.  I keep trying to spend time with him hoping things will change and he will want to be something other than friends and that's not working. I don't think I can get what I want out of this relationship.  Now what do I do?  I don't want to be entirely mean and just cut him out of my life completely.  I don't like thinking that there is something there when there isn't.  What is the best way to approach this?

I am trying to think of a plan.  He wants to go to lunch together once a week.  I guess I could think of him like my dad.  Someone trying to have a relationship with me for themselves not for me. Maybe the more I dont engage with him he will leave me alone or do something.  I have no idea.  I am so tired of him.  I get so frustrated.  I go back and forth on this subject and it has been like this for years.  I am at a loss.  I don't like the idea of getting rid of him entirely.  Maybe with me being on this new medication, it will be easier for me to disconnect myself from him. 

I just really dislike being referred to as a friend or just friends or friends only.  Like it needs to be reiterated.  I know it does because I get really confused but I dont want to be just friends and I am getting confused because he isn't consistant with the whole thing and he's not honest with his feelings.
I have to type this out because maybe then i will be able to sort out my thinking and come a to decision.  Now that I am in a better place about things maybe i can come to a solution.

Get it in your head my dear.  He doesn't want anything to do with you romantically.  he isn't ready or interested in a relationship.

wednesday 11/21/2012

okay.  so it is the day before thanksgiving.  i am wondering what is in store for me tomorrow.  i like the whole cooking for my family it keeps me from actually interacting with them. 

I am hoping that my meds kick in faster than 3 weeks but we shall see.  I have been getting bad stomach aches and i think thats all of the symptoms i have been getting so far and i am glad.

monday 11/19/2012

I am trying to understand Zack.  I am giving him his space.  i have feelings for him.  I hope this isn't some kind of mania brought on by my meds side effects.  I am feeling a sense of love and i am not sure it is real.  i hate being in my head like this.  is it because of my daydreaming or of my dreaming that i am feeling such love?  I am not sure.  based on actual events i could have fabricated a feeling. is there such of a thing as one-sided intimacy.  i believe there is something wrong with me and relationships.

after lunch with zack i am more in love with him then i was yesterday.  he wanted to give me a hug hafgter lunch which was so unlike him.  i really, really want to be with that man and i dont know why he doesnt want me to be with him.  i am not sure what that is all about.  we are pretty much a couple. i

11/16/2012 Friday

Lunch with Zack.  Things are different.  He said my name so many times.  The lunch even ended with a hug.  Which it never does.  In front of the student union of all places.  I thought he was too embarassed/ashamed to hug me in public.  Maybe that was myself just trying to make sense of the whole thing.

I feel like things are different but I don't know if that is because i want to feel that way.

October 29, 2012

Latest and Greatest from Zack:
Last week, Zack decided to argue with me about who isn't talking to who. 

Friday:
I texted him because I wanted to see what was going on only because he text me Thursday when I was out sick and he asked me to lunch after not going to lunch in 7 weeks. 

I ask, "why haven't you been talking to me?"

He responds two and a half hours later and says, "I invited you over and to lunch but you don't seem interested.  I haven't been over in my neck of the woods for a while and the last time I stopped by you weren't there.

I say, "None of that answers my question.  You're not taking an interest in what's going on with me. Why?" 

His reponse was this:
Well, the general issue is that the past five weeks has been crazy busy and I haven't shown an interest in too much other than work.  That's compounded by my perception that you have an issue with me and haven't talked to me either.  Nonetheless, I don't have an issue other than too much work.

I didn't respond.

That was friday.

Today being Monday, I want to start fresh.  I am not very happy with this person.  I was in tears at my desk.  I just have my feelings confirmed that this man does not care for me or about me and is not going to anytime sense.

October Entry

Okay so I haven't vented in a while.  Now, why is that?  I guess because I have the exact same things going on now that I did a month ago and it is just tiresome.

New job: likes & dislikes:
I like the differences in my new position.  I don't like the things that are the same at my previous position.  I do like working with a smaller staff.  It is easier to blow people off and traing them to leave you alone than in a work place of 100+ staff.  I like being able to talk to my boss and tell her what i want to do and train on.  That relationship is very important to me so I am glad that I get to start over with a new boss who is somewhat knowledgable of her position.  I do not like that my previous boss calls me and is close by.  I would love to cut all ties to that place.

Love life update:
The love life is still quite unexistant and that is with me joining several online dating sites.  I am the girl that guys do not like. i honestly cannot put my finger on the reason why I am so unappealing to the opposite sex so I give up even trying to figure out what the problem is. 

I have this long list of goals that i wanted to accomplish and one by one i am knocking them off of my list.  the one that is difficult for me to get checked off is the whole children thing.  that is because i need another person's assistance in order for this task to be complete. i would love to have someone around for a while to help me in that case. 

I was hoping that my ex-coworker Zack was going to want to be with me after I left that place.  I find it interesting how dynamics change and lives changes all with switching to a different department.  I haven't seen Zack in 7 weeks.  He is mad at me for something right now I am sure.  It all has to do with me not doing something that he wanted. I wasn't available to him when he thought I would drop everything at the snap of a finger for him.  No, I'm okay.  If he's not doing anything for me then thats what he is getting from me. Nothing.  I just don't understand his behavior.  What troubles me even more is my response to his behavior.  Why am I attracted to it and pulled toward him when he treats me this way.  That is the thing that troubles me the most.  He doesn't offer me any kind of support or kindness.  Why did I have him around for so long?  What did I get out of the relationship?  I don't think I got much which is why I was always trying to get more attention and more out of him and now that I am looking at the relationship from a distance I have a different perspective on the situation.  I don't think he is missing me in any way.  I don't think he is thinking about me at all.  I think he got what he wanted from me and he is over it now.  this is very depressing for me to say but I think he just used me for ego stroking or boosting and now that it is too much work he is done with me.

I told him that I didn't feel that our friendship was fair.  I felt that he wasn't giving as much as I was.  he wanted to argue.  I don't like or want to argue when it comes to my feelings because you cannot argue a feeling.  it is there whether you like it or not.  that is the point of the feelings you don't have control over when they pop up for the most part but you have control over you long you want to ride that wave. 

I feel like with Zack i have no control.  I am very attracted to him which I don't get because he isn't much to look at.  He is very average.  I must be attracted to the personality and physical combination.  Lately, I have been withholding from contacting Zack in anyway.  I have been going out with people and having a good time and not drunk texting him.  I haven't text him to see how he is doing so our communication has stopped.  I think this is all because of me.  I am not longer reaching out to him and opening that line of communication.  now that i am realizing this, i wonder if the whole relationship was in my mind.  was there even a relationship or did i make this up.

Am I Okay with being Single?

I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself these past couple of weeks about being single.  This I blame on my birthday that is coming up in less than a month.  I have withdrawn from hanging out with my friends and family.  I have to say that I honestly don't feel like I have any friends.  I am alone.  I have my dogs who I love but no people in my life that I care for.  The thing is I get on these trips about not wanting to be alone but when I am social I am uncomfortable with it.  I worry too much. 

the people who i mostly hang out with are folks that i work with because i see them.  i dont have to make any effort they are where i am.  now that i have started a new job, the folks in my old department are trying to maintain a relationshiop with me and i am not interested.  i wonder why this is. something must really be wrong with me.  i dont want people around but i feel like soemthing is missing.  the only thing is with a person to split the bills with that would make it easier but i dont think i have it in me to be in a relationship.  i am trying dating once again and i do not like anyone.   i know i dont want to be single forever but i am not desparate. i dont want to be with just anyone.  also, i feel like i have a lot to offer someone.

i blame this on my up bringing.  people are depensible, replaceable and not something worth holding on to.  this is something i learned.

i went to my sisters house the other day for dinner.  i wanted to tell her about my challenges at work and how i was stressed out.  when i explained to her what was going on at work she told me those aren't things to stress over and that she wished she had challenges like this.  then went on to say that her issues are bigger than mine and her work place is much worse.  she also went on to say that her job is much bigger and more important than mine.

now, when i go to someone to share how i am feeling and they shut me down telling me those arent problems, i will not share with this person again.  i dont have anyone to talk to about my stuff. people are really self-centered when you get to a certain age.  one of my old coworkers who likes to make plans with me only to cancel at the last minute really likes to talk about her drama.  when i have anything to discuss she cuts me off and continues to talk about herself.

when i talk to this man who i thought i had feelings for but it turns out that i just like the taboo of a coworker romance.  this person and i havent seen each other in a month.  when we do see each other i do all this talking while he looks off into space and when i say he isn't listening he just repeats the last thing i said.  now repeating what i said doesnt mean he is listening.  i am so not happy with that relationship and i told him so.  he wanted to have a discussion so i could argue my point of view.  this isn't a debate nor a discussion.  this is how i feel and if you dont change how you act i am out.  instead of having that dicussion/debate, i chose to not see him ever again.  he invited me to his kids birthday party and i declined in my rsvp and he was upset at my reply.

i dont know how is on my team. for some reason i thought that if i was a true friend i would get true friends. instead i have a box full of jerks. family and friends together. now what?  now what do i do?  are there any quality people out there? do i just settle?  now if i settle on my friends and family (which i have no choice) how can i settle on a companion/mate/boyfriend/husband?  i have to have standards somewhere.  i mean i do have standards.

maybe i should be more flexible and less rigid.  maybe this is all my doing from being hurt so many times be people and having people lose my trust and my friendship.  stabbed in the back too many times does make you jaded.  i mean with friends like that who needs enemies, right?  lets see how many other cliches can i think of about this whole thing?