Am I Okay with being Single?

I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself these past couple of weeks about being single.  This I blame on my birthday that is coming up in less than a month.  I have withdrawn from hanging out with my friends and family.  I have to say that I honestly don't feel like I have any friends.  I am alone.  I have my dogs who I love but no people in my life that I care for.  The thing is I get on these trips about not wanting to be alone but when I am social I am uncomfortable with it.  I worry too much. 

the people who i mostly hang out with are folks that i work with because i see them.  i dont have to make any effort they are where i am.  now that i have started a new job, the folks in my old department are trying to maintain a relationshiop with me and i am not interested.  i wonder why this is. something must really be wrong with me.  i dont want people around but i feel like soemthing is missing.  the only thing is with a person to split the bills with that would make it easier but i dont think i have it in me to be in a relationship.  i am trying dating once again and i do not like anyone.   i know i dont want to be single forever but i am not desparate. i dont want to be with just anyone.  also, i feel like i have a lot to offer someone.

i blame this on my up bringing.  people are depensible, replaceable and not something worth holding on to.  this is something i learned.

i went to my sisters house the other day for dinner.  i wanted to tell her about my challenges at work and how i was stressed out.  when i explained to her what was going on at work she told me those aren't things to stress over and that she wished she had challenges like this.  then went on to say that her issues are bigger than mine and her work place is much worse.  she also went on to say that her job is much bigger and more important than mine.

now, when i go to someone to share how i am feeling and they shut me down telling me those arent problems, i will not share with this person again.  i dont have anyone to talk to about my stuff. people are really self-centered when you get to a certain age.  one of my old coworkers who likes to make plans with me only to cancel at the last minute really likes to talk about her drama.  when i have anything to discuss she cuts me off and continues to talk about herself.

when i talk to this man who i thought i had feelings for but it turns out that i just like the taboo of a coworker romance.  this person and i havent seen each other in a month.  when we do see each other i do all this talking while he looks off into space and when i say he isn't listening he just repeats the last thing i said.  now repeating what i said doesnt mean he is listening.  i am so not happy with that relationship and i told him so.  he wanted to have a discussion so i could argue my point of view.  this isn't a debate nor a discussion.  this is how i feel and if you dont change how you act i am out.  instead of having that dicussion/debate, i chose to not see him ever again.  he invited me to his kids birthday party and i declined in my rsvp and he was upset at my reply.

i dont know how is on my team. for some reason i thought that if i was a true friend i would get true friends. instead i have a box full of jerks. family and friends together. now what?  now what do i do?  are there any quality people out there? do i just settle?  now if i settle on my friends and family (which i have no choice) how can i settle on a companion/mate/boyfriend/husband?  i have to have standards somewhere.  i mean i do have standards.

maybe i should be more flexible and less rigid.  maybe this is all my doing from being hurt so many times be people and having people lose my trust and my friendship.  stabbed in the back too many times does make you jaded.  i mean with friends like that who needs enemies, right?  lets see how many other cliches can i think of about this whole thing?

New Job

I have been at a new job for almost two months.  I was so excited to try something new and for new challenges.  I was also excited because I thought that this would mean that my work buddy would now want to date me or consider dating me because we no longer work together so that it would be okay now.  NOPE.  that is not the case.  We have gone to dinner but with this children. He invited me to his house but there were other people there and there was a few weeks there were we were going to lunch together.  I am annoyed by this man.  The work excuse was just that, an excuse.  He doesn't want to date me period.  It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing he just doesn't want me. Period.  Now I don't understadn this because I am so much better than he is.  He should feel so lucky to have someone like me want to be with him.  He wants to talk to me everyday he wants to spend time with me every week but he does not want to date me.  I hate that so much that I am cutting him off.  No more lunches, dinners, parties nothing.  I am done.  I am going to play the game like a man now.  Its going to be like this: If you dont do what i want i am leaving no comprimise no notice just deuces.

I have a feeling that i will run into him this week so i am going to have to come up with a plan for what i will do if and when that happens or just let happen and whatever goes, goes.  over this drama.  i am over being rejected by dudes that suck.  people say you have to put yourself out there.  i am doing that and what is out there is a bunch of trash.  lame1

the icing on the cake

Okay well it has been some week. I was feeling great. I felt great all week. Working out first thing in the morning will do the trick for you. I'm glad I did because all of those endorphins have prepared me for all of the bad news at the end of this week.

First thing first. I got into a fight with one of my good friends. She is going back to the douche bag exboyfriend for the third time and I just can't pretend that I'm happy for her. She's sensitive about my response to the whole thing so she has blown up what I said in proportion. I just can't deal with her emotional highs and lows. She's becoming neurotic.

Second, the guy that I was dating texts me and I am so happy to hear from him and he is full of lies and BS. That relationship is over and all I can think is I need to take a break from all of this dating. The emotions are so tiresome. It is pretty much over and I have all of these pictures around me. It is sad when it's over.

Third, my sister tells me she is trying to get pregnant. The girl who doesn't want to have kids is trying to have kids. This one hurts the most only because all I have ever wanted was kids and she just gets to decide to have them now. I can't have them now. The whole reason I am doing this stupid dating crap is for kids. I need to just realize that the husband/man thing isn't going to happen for me and I have to take matters into my own hands.

I haven't been upset like this in a while. I guess I forgot what it was like. I am sitting at my desk at work in tears because I am so frustrated. I lost this weight for kids, husband and all that. I just wont ever have one. A husband that is. I have been trying to build stronger relationships and that's not working. I am at a loss. It makes me want to become a hermit and never leave my house and not socialize at all. There is so much disappointment out there. Some poeple just get things and others have to work very hard for just a taste of it only to lose it real quickly.

People tell me be positive it will happen. Being positive doesn't get you shit. Forget all that noise. Being positive isn't going to make things fall from the sky for you. Whatever dude. I am so over people and this crap. People suck and will only disappoint you if you live long enough. My list of goals hasn't gone down a bit.

Saturday with the Family

Okay, so I felt like spending Saturdays with my family was fun and a good thing.  Lately, I am not so sure.  My mother is now very hard of hearing and misunderstanding everything that comes out of your mouth and thinks she hears you say things you didn't and gets angry.  Having a conversation with her is the worst thing in the world right now.  She spends the majority of her time arguing with me or taking naps.  Not much fun.  then there is my brother the strangest person.  He feels like things should just happen to him for no reason.  He should have a great man no matter how he treats them.  He should make a lot of money and not work for it.  He should be happy and not have anything to do with it.  I dont understand him and i get real annoyed with him. 

One thing i dont get.  i am getting ready to leave.  these folks havent left their house all day.  i am getting ready to leave my hands are full carrying things.  i cant get someone to hand me something i have to say please.  how about i say F^&* you instead and then punch you in your junk.  WTF?  I need to say please in order to get you to behave like a human being.  and you deserve all of this nice shit.  Also, he doeesnt know how to have a conversation.  he interrupts you so you cant talk.  monopolizes the conversation and is annoying. 

i am going to have to cancel the so called plans i was going to make with him and really hurt his feelings.  i dont really care.  too much stress with those people.  i will have to decrease my time spent at that house by a lot.  maybe once a month or soemthing less than that.  what will i do with  my spare time?  that is the question.  hmmm, i used to think that spending time with the family was a good thing but i think they are hurting me and not helping me.

Fingers Crossed

Man, I hope I am pregnant.  I want a baby so badly I went the wrong way to get one.  I have no idea how my cycle is this month.  With all of the stress at work I'm not sure what day would be baby making day.  Maybe I can get him to have sex with me again on Wednesday.  It was great.  I didn't have to do anything which is my favorite way of doing things.  He was so into me he did all of it.  Also, I don't remember ever being as flexible as I was last night but that was a good thing.

Reno

Last December, I spent a weekend with a guy that I really liked.  It was the worst weekend getaway I have ever had.  On this trip this guy tells me he doesnt like having his picture taken because he isn't photogenic.  He is now on facebook and takes frequent pictures with his now girlfriend who he is in love with.  I am seriously confused.  How did he get a girlfriend so quickly?  After that weekend he and I never spoke again.  He met someone just before we went to reno together which is why he was so mean to me.  He and I obviously weren't a match.  I hope I never see him again.  I feel strongly that nothing good comes from Benicia. 

I have been thinking about Jason all weekend.  He hasn't text me.  He must be having a great time with his mom and sister which means that I will not hear from him until he comes back to work and needs a favor.  I know he and I are not a match but when am I going to meet my match?  People tell me the same thing over and over.  That when you are least expecting it, it will just happen.  I am always least expecting a relationship with form with someone so this clique isn't going to work for me.  I am getting older and I really need to have children soon.  I don't know why I am such repellent to men but I am.

i have been doing some research on myself.  I have found that I have a fear of committment, intimacy and trust issues.  I am not sure how a relationship will work?  I honestly thought that Jason would just change his mind and want to be more than friends.  I thought that if I got a new job in another department it would motivate him to ask me out and want to be more than friends.  I was wrong.  He has a date next Friday with a woman that he refers to as his starbucks stalker.  He doesn't find her attractive and claims he wouldn't want anything to do with her but he is going on a date with her.  I really dont get it.  He told me that he is looking forward to the date.  I thought he didn't like her?  Does he even know what he is saying?  I don't know what this means.

I felt like he was being a good friend to me last week. I am not so sure anymore.  I cried infront of him but I'm not sure if he caught that.  he can be so clueless sometimes.  Why is he going out on a date with this lady?  I am going to ask him how it went and be somewhat supportive but I am not liking that he will go out on a date with someone he isn't fond of and he refuses to date me.  There really must be something wrong with me.  I don't know what it is but there must be something.

Cowboy text me today.  This guy really isn't the guy for me.  He isn't awesome at all.  Where is the guy for me?  When will I meet him?  What is the hold up?

I wonder what this week will be like.  I assume just as dramatic as the last week was.  My goodness I vow to not to participate in any gossip for the entire week.  I really don't care for it.  I mean I talk shit when folks get on my nerves but I dont like knowing about all the dumb stuff that goes on at work.  I would rather come in and do some work and be done with the people that work there.  All the crap that comes out of their mouths is just annoying to me.  I mean people who ear hustle on conversations are just plain annoying to me.

Someone need to tell Jason to get his head out of his ass.  I know he has feelings for me and he isn't going to act on them because he is a lame sack.  I mean really.  He remembered that I went on a Disneyland date.  I forgot that I went on that date and that was like almost 2 years ago.  How does he remember me going out on that date and I nearly forgot?  He also holds my stuff when we go to lunch.  When we were in a meeting and sitting at different tables, he text me asking me how my lollipop was because he was watching me from a distance.  Then, the next day I caught him checking me out. 

I didn't get the job

I hate when I try something and fail.  I really hate it.  I'm so good at work why wouldn't someone want to hire me.  I mean I can learn just about anything and do it well.  I don't like to fail so not getting this job really bothers.  I don't like admiting to my friends that I didnt get the job either.  I mean really it's embarassing.  I think I did all I could to put myself out there and let it be known that I really wanted this position.  I don't think there was anything else I could have done.  It's fine.  They don't want to hire me they dont have to but I really wanted to give my two week notice this week. I am just forever stuck in recreation and I hate that.  I dont like my boss she is a complete idiot.  I dont know how she got her job other than brown nosing and being in the right place at the right time.  I have no idea what that is all about.  I dont care for two of my coworkers they are petty little gossip queens and I dont have time for their immaturity.  going to have to cut 'em at the knees whenever i hear that gossip bs.

my work friend has been getting on my nerves these past couple of weeks. he doesnt know what to say and so he says nothign when im in a crisis and i cant stand that shit.  he always says the wrong thing and it pisses me off.  he doenst understand what he is donig so its like getting mad a complete idiot who doesnt get things so i have been distancing myself from him.  he is oblivious to me.  i dont think i can talk to him for a while.  maybe june.

i feel like im going through so many things alone.  which is fine i just dont get any understanding or empathy from anyone else and i hate that.  because i am told that i need to be understanding of others but i am not given the same courtesy.  i am feeling real shitty.  i am going to have to turn to tequila and margarita mix.