Friday 11/30/12

I may be my biggest hater.  After arguing with myself on the drive home last night, i think i finally came to the realization and that i need to make it stick this time.  Zack is not the one.  Zack is garbage.  Zack does not want to be with me and will never want to be with me.  I need to give up.  I need to stop.  I need to leave that fool alone and move on.  Erase him from all of my routines.  No more scheduled lunches no more nothing.

I had this long discussion on my 45 minute commute home last night.  Telling myself that I am really sick.  If Zack wanted me then I wouldn't want him.  The only reason I want him is because he doesn't want me back.  I don't really find him attractive he is pretty nondescript.  Just an average guy looks like a million other dudes in america.  his personality is pretty boring as well.  i mean i honestly cant think of the reason why i even like him other than there isn't anyone else around that i am remotely interested in. 

i have to think about this more and maybe i will stumble across some type of self discovery.  I dont know what my problem is other than growing up without a dad and having a mom who did everything.  i dont know what i would do with him. 

Last nights thoughts
I thought that our relationship meant the same to the both of us.  I thought that we cared about each other and that we were emotionally secure with each other.  When he stopped talking to me for those two months it became real clear that he does not care about me.  He doesn't care about my feelings.  He only cares about himself and how he feels. This is the reason why he wanted to see each other more often because of his needs not because of my needs.
I cant be that bad of a person if he wants to spend time with me.

i am so tired of being up in my head and trying to figure out things even if there is nothing to figure out.  it is what it is right.  take it at face value.  he doesnt want to be with me.  he wants to be friends and spend time together regularly but he doesnt want anything else to do with you.  this is so painful for me to say and to realize but it is true and sad. 

i really need to be nice to myself.  i am going to be a lot nicier to myself from now on.  this is ridiculous and i dont deserve this at all.

Step 1.
remove myself from ABOG
i cant handle this commitment it is too much with my new job.
done and done

Step 2.
do not commit to anything with zack and no more lunches. do not text zack either.

step 3.
remove his name from my mouth

step 4.
do not think of having a future with him.

Friday 11/30/12

Rainy day Friday. 

I feel great this morning.  I didn't go for my walk but that's because it's raining like crazy up in Los Angeles this morning.  I dont have an umbrella either.  I am feeling pretty great this morning.  I am not sure why but I will take it.  I am so hopeful.  I feel like great things are going to happen to me soon.  I am so optimistic i love it. I had a great dream last night.  One that left me feeling great about myself. 

Thursday 11/29/12

After having yet another discussion with Zack.  I am ready to just stop getting my hopes up with him.  He keeps referring to me as a friend and I am really tired of it.  I keep trying to spend time with him hoping things will change and he will want to be something other than friends and that's not working. I don't think I can get what I want out of this relationship.  Now what do I do?  I don't want to be entirely mean and just cut him out of my life completely.  I don't like thinking that there is something there when there isn't.  What is the best way to approach this?

I am trying to think of a plan.  He wants to go to lunch together once a week.  I guess I could think of him like my dad.  Someone trying to have a relationship with me for themselves not for me. Maybe the more I dont engage with him he will leave me alone or do something.  I have no idea.  I am so tired of him.  I get so frustrated.  I go back and forth on this subject and it has been like this for years.  I am at a loss.  I don't like the idea of getting rid of him entirely.  Maybe with me being on this new medication, it will be easier for me to disconnect myself from him. 

I just really dislike being referred to as a friend or just friends or friends only.  Like it needs to be reiterated.  I know it does because I get really confused but I dont want to be just friends and I am getting confused because he isn't consistant with the whole thing and he's not honest with his feelings.
I have to type this out because maybe then i will be able to sort out my thinking and come a to decision.  Now that I am in a better place about things maybe i can come to a solution.

Get it in your head my dear.  He doesn't want anything to do with you romantically.  he isn't ready or interested in a relationship.

wednesday 11/21/2012

okay.  so it is the day before thanksgiving.  i am wondering what is in store for me tomorrow.  i like the whole cooking for my family it keeps me from actually interacting with them. 

I am hoping that my meds kick in faster than 3 weeks but we shall see.  I have been getting bad stomach aches and i think thats all of the symptoms i have been getting so far and i am glad.

monday 11/19/2012

I am trying to understand Zack.  I am giving him his space.  i have feelings for him.  I hope this isn't some kind of mania brought on by my meds side effects.  I am feeling a sense of love and i am not sure it is real.  i hate being in my head like this.  is it because of my daydreaming or of my dreaming that i am feeling such love?  I am not sure.  based on actual events i could have fabricated a feeling. is there such of a thing as one-sided intimacy.  i believe there is something wrong with me and relationships.

after lunch with zack i am more in love with him then i was yesterday.  he wanted to give me a hug hafgter lunch which was so unlike him.  i really, really want to be with that man and i dont know why he doesnt want me to be with him.  i am not sure what that is all about.  we are pretty much a couple. i

11/16/2012 Friday

Lunch with Zack.  Things are different.  He said my name so many times.  The lunch even ended with a hug.  Which it never does.  In front of the student union of all places.  I thought he was too embarassed/ashamed to hug me in public.  Maybe that was myself just trying to make sense of the whole thing.

I feel like things are different but I don't know if that is because i want to feel that way.