Monday 12/31/12

Say goodbye to 2012 and hello 2013.  I have a great feeling about the new year.  I am saying goodbye to old way of thinking and past relationships that are destructive to my wellbeing.  I am also looking to do more for myself and not take everything so seriously.  one day at a time and chill is my new way of living.  also, i have been feeling the need to clean more and often.  i dont know why but this can only be a good thing. I also plan on taking two vacations this year.  short trips but lots of fun and time to decompress.  palm springs and salem.

i am still happy about my decision and as it turns out he must be happy too because i havent heard from him at all.  i wonder if he will text me happy new year and i think this is the final test.  that will be the final confirmation that he is done with me if i do not hear from him for new years.  i guess i dont really need him or want him in my life.  i have been real chill.  cooking, cleaning and reading books.  taking things slowly and enjoying myself before i have to go back to work.

anyway, i will see what is up in a few hours.

Happy new year.

Sunday 12/23/12

The day before christmas eve.  I am alone.  I like it that way.  I have a list of things I need to do before I housesit for the next week. The only bad thing about me being alone is that I am alone with my thoughts and who knows where they will take me.  I have been watching movies on netflix streaming but i think i am to a point where i have seen just about everything on netflix streaming that i am intersted in.  now i am watching not so interesting stuff and it is bothering me. I really want to be active and go on this walk that i planned on doing but for some reason i cant get off my butt and go outside.  it is still early i am just really comfortable and it is cold outside.  my two little dogs are keeping me company on the couch one on each side keeping me warm.  i really love those two little fuzzy bodies. 

The year is just about over.  I have accomplished goals that i set last year.  A new job which was priority number one and I am happy to have left that job and that i am learning new things.  My next goal is a family.  I want children so bad and i am not getting any younger.  I love my chihuahuas but I want actual children.  I keep dreaming of them too.  Before my dreams were real vague when it comes to children now they are getting more detailed.  I can see their faces now and they have a voice.  I really want them so bad.  I feel like everyone i grew up with is married with children or pregnant.  i am not married or in a relationship or pregnant.  i would take pregnant over married but i would like to be married.  after putting up such a fight over married i would like to be married just to have someone in my life who is  legally obligated to pay for half of our living expenses and our children.  i mean it doesnt sound so bad when you put it into dollars and cents.

the silly thing about me is that i thought that zack was the guy for me.  i thought that he and i made perfect sense and that we got along so well.  the thing with me is that i have crushes on me for a real long time but when they like me back i dont want anything to do with them.  i know this has to be a fear of intimacy and committment and abandonment.  i know i have issues otherwise i wouldnt seek out unavailable men or men who want nothing to do with me.  it really is a sickness and it has to do with me having daddy issues i am sure.

i thought zack understood that and i thought we were making such excellent progress in our relationship.  maybe we were and that is why he pushed back so much.  either way it isn't like him to not give me a gift or something for the holidays.  he must really be upset.  i will eventually stop talking about hiim and stop thinking about him entirely just like i did with all of the other men i have been interested in.  he will only be a memory that i have to force myself to realize or remember that this actually happened.  that i used to talk about him so much and think about him so much and fanticize about having a family with him and spending my life with this man.  then he will meet someone and fall in love in the next two years.  this seems to be what happens with me and my guys.  they next girl they meet they fall for.

i am such a sad case.  alone, lonely woman with dogs who writes about a man who doesnt love her on a daily basis in hopes that this will serve as some kind of therapy because i have to get it out somewhere.  i have to get this out and since talking about it makes me feel like shit if i write about it anonymously then i can say whatever i want and not care.

Saturday 12/22/2012

Well, I got up at 4 this morning and I couldn't go back to sleep.  I don't know why but I just couldn't go back to sleep.  It is finally cold and I have all of my heaters on.  My dogs are freezing their little fuzzy bunnies off too.  I put their sweaters on and one of them is really pissed at me because he doesn't like wearing his sweater.  Anyway,  I heard from cowboy last night.  He told me that he likes me.  for some reason, that really meant a lot to me.  I have been feeling like nobody likes me these days.  I really, really want to be married but I am having a difficult time finding someone I like.  I don't think cowboy is the guy for me.  He doesn't have much going on and doesn't have any goals.  He is content with where he is and he is working two jobs and struggling to pay his bills.  He doesn't have time for me and no money to do things with.  I don't have money either so it would be a good idea to be with someone in the same place as me or with more money right.  I don't know but we don't have anything in common and he talks a lot.  i think its because he is nervous but who knows.

I thought that i would meet someone online this year but that didn't happen.  i met cowboy this year and dave last year and aaron the year before that.  so far nothing is sticking just dating.  now that zack is out of the picture i guess i should be able to focus better on finding someone else and not relying on him as a back up or to fullfill a need that i have from the opposite sex.

i am having a charlie brown marathon at home trying to get into the holiday spirit and it is working.  i am very happy that we are not exchanging gifts this year one less thing to worry about.  i dont like spending the money and doing all the shopping for other folks only for them to not liek the gift or to give me a gift that i dont like.  i am so happy about that this year.  i am going to be housesitting for my sister for a week. basically watching her dogs and keeping them company and staying at her unfriend house.  i could be a nice house but it is cold and dark.  i dont know why they just dont know how to create a home but they dont.  their furniture sucks as well. 

anyway,  i have a schedule that i created for myself in order to continue being physically active during this time of year when i dont want to do anything and just stay at home on th ecouch wiht my dogs.  i have mapped out a mile and a half walk and my challenge is to walk that at least once this break.  i have also mapped out a few routes around my sisters place for me to do while i am on break.  the only thing is that i heard it is supposed to rain so we will see if i am able to get out there.

lets start the new year off fresh.  i am very excited about 2013.  i feel like the baby is coming.  i am very excited to meet someone and start a family

Visit to the old dept

so an ex-coworker had their retirement party today and i went. despite the fact that i didnt receive an invitation because the person sending them out is a bitter old hag.  I went and had a great time.  i was welcomed by all or by most is what i should say. someone who i thought was my friend didnt talk to me or really awknowledge that i was there.  i dont understand what is up with that person but check the deuces homie.

Wednesday 12/19/12

Today is a great day.  I get to leave after our company lunch today and that is awesome.  i decided yesterday to defriend or unfriend zack.  after he embarassed me monday by ignoring me and not showing appreciation of the gift i made from scratch for him i dont think he deserves to be in my life.  i took a poll from my friends and not one person feels i should let him be in my life.  i honestly dont think he wants to be in my life anyway. 

in my meditation class last night i was in tears balling because something came to light that i have buried deep.  i have to get rid of him.  he doesnt respect me and it has been my experience that people will always treat you however you let them.  he isn't learning and i am not being hard enough on him to teach him.  so i have to be done with him.

unfriending him on facebook may not work because he doesnt post to my wall ever anyway but i do know that he does facebook stalk me.  this is good for me but will also be a test to see if he even notices and if he does notice what does he do with it. 

i just remembered that i also sent him some of my favorite tea and he didnt thank me for that.  i have to be done because no matter how busy someone is there is no excuse for bad behavior or rudeness towards a friend or towards someone who is showing you kindness.

Tuesday 12/18/2012

I can't wait for 2013.  This is going to be a great year.  i can feel it. 

for some reason i keep dreaming about guys from my past. exboyfriends and ex-crushes.  it might have to do with seeing on their facebook pages that these men who wanted nothing to do with me are now in relationships with manly looking females.  i mean to each their own but i look a million times better than these chicks.  which leads me to believe that the way i look isn't the problem it has to be something else.

i have come into contact with someone who turned out to be real attractive so i have been thinking about him a lot.  i dont think anythign will come of it because he lives far away but it is nice to think about things like that.  he is real attractive. i feel like i should tell him so but he probably hears that all the time.

i feel great.  i had a great lunch today burrito bowl from chipotle.  i got some sun and a walk in so i am feeling good right now. 

yesterday zack acted like he didnt know me.  which i dont really understand what his problem is.  he didnt want to walk over to a party with me.  while at the party he didnt sit with me.  he came over to my table later but when i wasnt there.  then when i came over he left.  when i would move around the room he would come near me but not talk to me. i have no idea what that is all about. it did bother me.  like he didnt want anyone to know or show anyone that we were cool but he couldn't stay away.  i have no idea what that is but it proves that he is garbage.  if he is too ashamed of me or whatever then forget him.  i have no idea what is going on but i dont have a crystal ball to figure it out.  i think he is mad or something at me and isn't trying to get caught up in anything with me. especially since i experience emotions and i am loud about it.  i think i made him uncomfortable.  i dont really care if i do.  i cant help feeling what i feel and he was concerned about me then he wouldnt allow for me to feel that way by acting the way he does.  this makes sense to me but not to him.  he doesnt get it.

i have been thinking about him a little but not very much.  he wont let me.  his family is coming in town tomorrow i think.  i doubt that he will do anything with me over break or for the holiday.  if he doesn't then our friendship is definately over.

i have been talking to some friend and they have given me excellent advice on the whole thing. if someone isn't treating you right this is what you do.

"You love yourself more.. When we can fully appreciate what we bring to table it's easier to evaluate who is contributing to your life and who is detracting from it. So love yourself more.. Then you will have no choice but to acknowledge your value and demand that they put more on the table if they want to stay at the table. "

i guess if iw as to take this person's advice i would just walk away.

Monday 12/17/2012

I have no idea how much i weigh.  I was afraid to get on the scale this morning.  I have had a real eventful weekend full of cooking and shopping.  My two favorite things to do.  I have decided what i want in my home so my home projects list is ready.

Kitchen
1st: remove kitchen cabinets and hinges
2nd: paint kitchen cabinets
3rd: install cabinets with new hinges
4th: install knobs on cabinets
5th: new backsplash
6th: new countertops

bathroom
1. spackle bathroom ceiling
2. paint ceiling arabian sands
3. paint bathroom toasted wheat


kitchen:
backsplash
countertops

I have a great feeling about this.

friday 12/14/12

Friday:

well, i am here at work alone spent the morning knocking out some netflix.  i am glad to get those out in the mail they werent very good.  anyway, so like usual i am keeping track of the time apart from my friend.  it has been three weeks since we spent time together.  i tink he is okay with this.  this only means i wont see or spend time with him for the rest of the year.

he is mad at me that is totally fine or he thinks i am mad at him which is fine as well.  i think i need some separation from him.  i mean a lot of separation. he really bothers me.  he is the one who wanted to go to lunch on a weekly basis and he is the one that stopped going to lunch with me and never talked about it again after one time.  i am so tired of this clown.  if he is busy that is a lie because he hasn't been talking to me at all. no text, email, voicemail nothing.  i am so done with his  bull shit and he can suck it big time with all of that irrational reasoning bs he does. 

when do you know you are lonely?  what are the signs of loneliness?  i mean i would love to be in a couple but i haven't been in a couple for such a long time.  nine years so really what am i missing?  i am not sure?

Friday 12/7/12

i had a great time last night catching up with a couple of ex coworkers.  we laughed and had a great old time. i havent had fun with those two in a long time.  i am glad that we were  actually able to get together this time.

anyway, as a result of last night i am scheduled to run my first 5k in february.  i am excited and nervous about it but i am doing it.  this is just what i need to get my butt in gear.  i love having goals.   also, one of the girls wants to walk the perimeter of the university once a week and i told her i would do that with her.  i need to move more.  i am getting real excited because i lost 5.3 lbs in a month and i didnt even know i was doing it.  i can't believe it.  i think it has to do with not having much of an appetite and not feeling the need to eat everything in sight due to depression.

Well, let's note that today is friday and i havent heard from Zack since last week friday when i asked him if we were going to lunch and he said no.  when he stopped by on tuesday i didnt drop everything to give him all of my attention. he said hi and i said hi and that was it.  over that chump.  i am not exactly sure what the deal is with him but i think i am just done.  i am tired and frustrated with him way too much to even entertain spending any time with him.

i am much more interested in losing weight and being healthy both physically, mentally and emotionally and i think he henders me from doing that.  he doesnt support me and he doesnt really do much for me. i am done.

Anyway, i know this is a tired ass conversation that i have on a monthly or so basis.  i am not sure how long this will last.

Monday 12/3/12

Okay, so come to find out Zack was at a training all afternoon.  I only know that because I know other folks that were in the training not because he told me.  I mean that is an okay reason for not going to lunch with me on our scheduled day but he didnt tell me.  i had to ask him.  i am not asking again.  i am not talking to him either. I havent heard from him since then anyway.  i am so done with garbage.  he wants to act like a child then fine. act like a child then.

I just found out that my high school best friend is pregnant.  i am so jealous.  she is due in the summer of next year.  i really want a baby and i wanted next year to be my year for a baby.  well she is married so she has a guy and it is so much easier to get pregnant when you have a guy.  unlike my single self who will have to go out and buy ingredient instead of natural consumation.

Friday 11/30/12

I may be my biggest hater.  After arguing with myself on the drive home last night, i think i finally came to the realization and that i need to make it stick this time.  Zack is not the one.  Zack is garbage.  Zack does not want to be with me and will never want to be with me.  I need to give up.  I need to stop.  I need to leave that fool alone and move on.  Erase him from all of my routines.  No more scheduled lunches no more nothing.

I had this long discussion on my 45 minute commute home last night.  Telling myself that I am really sick.  If Zack wanted me then I wouldn't want him.  The only reason I want him is because he doesn't want me back.  I don't really find him attractive he is pretty nondescript.  Just an average guy looks like a million other dudes in america.  his personality is pretty boring as well.  i mean i honestly cant think of the reason why i even like him other than there isn't anyone else around that i am remotely interested in. 

i have to think about this more and maybe i will stumble across some type of self discovery.  I dont know what my problem is other than growing up without a dad and having a mom who did everything.  i dont know what i would do with him. 

Last nights thoughts
I thought that our relationship meant the same to the both of us.  I thought that we cared about each other and that we were emotionally secure with each other.  When he stopped talking to me for those two months it became real clear that he does not care about me.  He doesn't care about my feelings.  He only cares about himself and how he feels. This is the reason why he wanted to see each other more often because of his needs not because of my needs.
I cant be that bad of a person if he wants to spend time with me.

i am so tired of being up in my head and trying to figure out things even if there is nothing to figure out.  it is what it is right.  take it at face value.  he doesnt want to be with me.  he wants to be friends and spend time together regularly but he doesnt want anything else to do with you.  this is so painful for me to say and to realize but it is true and sad. 

i really need to be nice to myself.  i am going to be a lot nicier to myself from now on.  this is ridiculous and i dont deserve this at all.

Step 1.
remove myself from ABOG
i cant handle this commitment it is too much with my new job.
done and done

Step 2.
do not commit to anything with zack and no more lunches. do not text zack either.

step 3.
remove his name from my mouth

step 4.
do not think of having a future with him.

Friday 11/30/12

Rainy day Friday. 

I feel great this morning.  I didn't go for my walk but that's because it's raining like crazy up in Los Angeles this morning.  I dont have an umbrella either.  I am feeling pretty great this morning.  I am not sure why but I will take it.  I am so hopeful.  I feel like great things are going to happen to me soon.  I am so optimistic i love it. I had a great dream last night.  One that left me feeling great about myself. 

Thursday 11/29/12

After having yet another discussion with Zack.  I am ready to just stop getting my hopes up with him.  He keeps referring to me as a friend and I am really tired of it.  I keep trying to spend time with him hoping things will change and he will want to be something other than friends and that's not working. I don't think I can get what I want out of this relationship.  Now what do I do?  I don't want to be entirely mean and just cut him out of my life completely.  I don't like thinking that there is something there when there isn't.  What is the best way to approach this?

I am trying to think of a plan.  He wants to go to lunch together once a week.  I guess I could think of him like my dad.  Someone trying to have a relationship with me for themselves not for me. Maybe the more I dont engage with him he will leave me alone or do something.  I have no idea.  I am so tired of him.  I get so frustrated.  I go back and forth on this subject and it has been like this for years.  I am at a loss.  I don't like the idea of getting rid of him entirely.  Maybe with me being on this new medication, it will be easier for me to disconnect myself from him. 

I just really dislike being referred to as a friend or just friends or friends only.  Like it needs to be reiterated.  I know it does because I get really confused but I dont want to be just friends and I am getting confused because he isn't consistant with the whole thing and he's not honest with his feelings.
I have to type this out because maybe then i will be able to sort out my thinking and come a to decision.  Now that I am in a better place about things maybe i can come to a solution.

Get it in your head my dear.  He doesn't want anything to do with you romantically.  he isn't ready or interested in a relationship.

wednesday 11/21/2012

okay.  so it is the day before thanksgiving.  i am wondering what is in store for me tomorrow.  i like the whole cooking for my family it keeps me from actually interacting with them. 

I am hoping that my meds kick in faster than 3 weeks but we shall see.  I have been getting bad stomach aches and i think thats all of the symptoms i have been getting so far and i am glad.

monday 11/19/2012

I am trying to understand Zack.  I am giving him his space.  i have feelings for him.  I hope this isn't some kind of mania brought on by my meds side effects.  I am feeling a sense of love and i am not sure it is real.  i hate being in my head like this.  is it because of my daydreaming or of my dreaming that i am feeling such love?  I am not sure.  based on actual events i could have fabricated a feeling. is there such of a thing as one-sided intimacy.  i believe there is something wrong with me and relationships.

after lunch with zack i am more in love with him then i was yesterday.  he wanted to give me a hug hafgter lunch which was so unlike him.  i really, really want to be with that man and i dont know why he doesnt want me to be with him.  i am not sure what that is all about.  we are pretty much a couple. i

11/16/2012 Friday

Lunch with Zack.  Things are different.  He said my name so many times.  The lunch even ended with a hug.  Which it never does.  In front of the student union of all places.  I thought he was too embarassed/ashamed to hug me in public.  Maybe that was myself just trying to make sense of the whole thing.

I feel like things are different but I don't know if that is because i want to feel that way.

October 29, 2012

Latest and Greatest from Zack:
Last week, Zack decided to argue with me about who isn't talking to who. 

Friday:
I texted him because I wanted to see what was going on only because he text me Thursday when I was out sick and he asked me to lunch after not going to lunch in 7 weeks. 

I ask, "why haven't you been talking to me?"

He responds two and a half hours later and says, "I invited you over and to lunch but you don't seem interested.  I haven't been over in my neck of the woods for a while and the last time I stopped by you weren't there.

I say, "None of that answers my question.  You're not taking an interest in what's going on with me. Why?" 

His reponse was this:
Well, the general issue is that the past five weeks has been crazy busy and I haven't shown an interest in too much other than work.  That's compounded by my perception that you have an issue with me and haven't talked to me either.  Nonetheless, I don't have an issue other than too much work.

I didn't respond.

That was friday.

Today being Monday, I want to start fresh.  I am not very happy with this person.  I was in tears at my desk.  I just have my feelings confirmed that this man does not care for me or about me and is not going to anytime sense.

October Entry

Okay so I haven't vented in a while.  Now, why is that?  I guess because I have the exact same things going on now that I did a month ago and it is just tiresome.

New job: likes & dislikes:
I like the differences in my new position.  I don't like the things that are the same at my previous position.  I do like working with a smaller staff.  It is easier to blow people off and traing them to leave you alone than in a work place of 100+ staff.  I like being able to talk to my boss and tell her what i want to do and train on.  That relationship is very important to me so I am glad that I get to start over with a new boss who is somewhat knowledgable of her position.  I do not like that my previous boss calls me and is close by.  I would love to cut all ties to that place.

Love life update:
The love life is still quite unexistant and that is with me joining several online dating sites.  I am the girl that guys do not like. i honestly cannot put my finger on the reason why I am so unappealing to the opposite sex so I give up even trying to figure out what the problem is. 

I have this long list of goals that i wanted to accomplish and one by one i am knocking them off of my list.  the one that is difficult for me to get checked off is the whole children thing.  that is because i need another person's assistance in order for this task to be complete. i would love to have someone around for a while to help me in that case. 

I was hoping that my ex-coworker Zack was going to want to be with me after I left that place.  I find it interesting how dynamics change and lives changes all with switching to a different department.  I haven't seen Zack in 7 weeks.  He is mad at me for something right now I am sure.  It all has to do with me not doing something that he wanted. I wasn't available to him when he thought I would drop everything at the snap of a finger for him.  No, I'm okay.  If he's not doing anything for me then thats what he is getting from me. Nothing.  I just don't understand his behavior.  What troubles me even more is my response to his behavior.  Why am I attracted to it and pulled toward him when he treats me this way.  That is the thing that troubles me the most.  He doesn't offer me any kind of support or kindness.  Why did I have him around for so long?  What did I get out of the relationship?  I don't think I got much which is why I was always trying to get more attention and more out of him and now that I am looking at the relationship from a distance I have a different perspective on the situation.  I don't think he is missing me in any way.  I don't think he is thinking about me at all.  I think he got what he wanted from me and he is over it now.  this is very depressing for me to say but I think he just used me for ego stroking or boosting and now that it is too much work he is done with me.

I told him that I didn't feel that our friendship was fair.  I felt that he wasn't giving as much as I was.  he wanted to argue.  I don't like or want to argue when it comes to my feelings because you cannot argue a feeling.  it is there whether you like it or not.  that is the point of the feelings you don't have control over when they pop up for the most part but you have control over you long you want to ride that wave. 

I feel like with Zack i have no control.  I am very attracted to him which I don't get because he isn't much to look at.  He is very average.  I must be attracted to the personality and physical combination.  Lately, I have been withholding from contacting Zack in anyway.  I have been going out with people and having a good time and not drunk texting him.  I haven't text him to see how he is doing so our communication has stopped.  I think this is all because of me.  I am not longer reaching out to him and opening that line of communication.  now that i am realizing this, i wonder if the whole relationship was in my mind.  was there even a relationship or did i make this up.

Am I Okay with being Single?

I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself these past couple of weeks about being single.  This I blame on my birthday that is coming up in less than a month.  I have withdrawn from hanging out with my friends and family.  I have to say that I honestly don't feel like I have any friends.  I am alone.  I have my dogs who I love but no people in my life that I care for.  The thing is I get on these trips about not wanting to be alone but when I am social I am uncomfortable with it.  I worry too much. 

the people who i mostly hang out with are folks that i work with because i see them.  i dont have to make any effort they are where i am.  now that i have started a new job, the folks in my old department are trying to maintain a relationshiop with me and i am not interested.  i wonder why this is. something must really be wrong with me.  i dont want people around but i feel like soemthing is missing.  the only thing is with a person to split the bills with that would make it easier but i dont think i have it in me to be in a relationship.  i am trying dating once again and i do not like anyone.   i know i dont want to be single forever but i am not desparate. i dont want to be with just anyone.  also, i feel like i have a lot to offer someone.

i blame this on my up bringing.  people are depensible, replaceable and not something worth holding on to.  this is something i learned.

i went to my sisters house the other day for dinner.  i wanted to tell her about my challenges at work and how i was stressed out.  when i explained to her what was going on at work she told me those aren't things to stress over and that she wished she had challenges like this.  then went on to say that her issues are bigger than mine and her work place is much worse.  she also went on to say that her job is much bigger and more important than mine.

now, when i go to someone to share how i am feeling and they shut me down telling me those arent problems, i will not share with this person again.  i dont have anyone to talk to about my stuff. people are really self-centered when you get to a certain age.  one of my old coworkers who likes to make plans with me only to cancel at the last minute really likes to talk about her drama.  when i have anything to discuss she cuts me off and continues to talk about herself.

when i talk to this man who i thought i had feelings for but it turns out that i just like the taboo of a coworker romance.  this person and i havent seen each other in a month.  when we do see each other i do all this talking while he looks off into space and when i say he isn't listening he just repeats the last thing i said.  now repeating what i said doesnt mean he is listening.  i am so not happy with that relationship and i told him so.  he wanted to have a discussion so i could argue my point of view.  this isn't a debate nor a discussion.  this is how i feel and if you dont change how you act i am out.  instead of having that dicussion/debate, i chose to not see him ever again.  he invited me to his kids birthday party and i declined in my rsvp and he was upset at my reply.

i dont know how is on my team. for some reason i thought that if i was a true friend i would get true friends. instead i have a box full of jerks. family and friends together. now what?  now what do i do?  are there any quality people out there? do i just settle?  now if i settle on my friends and family (which i have no choice) how can i settle on a companion/mate/boyfriend/husband?  i have to have standards somewhere.  i mean i do have standards.

maybe i should be more flexible and less rigid.  maybe this is all my doing from being hurt so many times be people and having people lose my trust and my friendship.  stabbed in the back too many times does make you jaded.  i mean with friends like that who needs enemies, right?  lets see how many other cliches can i think of about this whole thing?

New Job

I have been at a new job for almost two months.  I was so excited to try something new and for new challenges.  I was also excited because I thought that this would mean that my work buddy would now want to date me or consider dating me because we no longer work together so that it would be okay now.  NOPE.  that is not the case.  We have gone to dinner but with this children. He invited me to his house but there were other people there and there was a few weeks there were we were going to lunch together.  I am annoyed by this man.  The work excuse was just that, an excuse.  He doesn't want to date me period.  It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing he just doesn't want me. Period.  Now I don't understadn this because I am so much better than he is.  He should feel so lucky to have someone like me want to be with him.  He wants to talk to me everyday he wants to spend time with me every week but he does not want to date me.  I hate that so much that I am cutting him off.  No more lunches, dinners, parties nothing.  I am done.  I am going to play the game like a man now.  Its going to be like this: If you dont do what i want i am leaving no comprimise no notice just deuces.

I have a feeling that i will run into him this week so i am going to have to come up with a plan for what i will do if and when that happens or just let happen and whatever goes, goes.  over this drama.  i am over being rejected by dudes that suck.  people say you have to put yourself out there.  i am doing that and what is out there is a bunch of trash.  lame1

the icing on the cake

Okay well it has been some week. I was feeling great. I felt great all week. Working out first thing in the morning will do the trick for you. I'm glad I did because all of those endorphins have prepared me for all of the bad news at the end of this week.

First thing first. I got into a fight with one of my good friends. She is going back to the douche bag exboyfriend for the third time and I just can't pretend that I'm happy for her. She's sensitive about my response to the whole thing so she has blown up what I said in proportion. I just can't deal with her emotional highs and lows. She's becoming neurotic.

Second, the guy that I was dating texts me and I am so happy to hear from him and he is full of lies and BS. That relationship is over and all I can think is I need to take a break from all of this dating. The emotions are so tiresome. It is pretty much over and I have all of these pictures around me. It is sad when it's over.

Third, my sister tells me she is trying to get pregnant. The girl who doesn't want to have kids is trying to have kids. This one hurts the most only because all I have ever wanted was kids and she just gets to decide to have them now. I can't have them now. The whole reason I am doing this stupid dating crap is for kids. I need to just realize that the husband/man thing isn't going to happen for me and I have to take matters into my own hands.

I haven't been upset like this in a while. I guess I forgot what it was like. I am sitting at my desk at work in tears because I am so frustrated. I lost this weight for kids, husband and all that. I just wont ever have one. A husband that is. I have been trying to build stronger relationships and that's not working. I am at a loss. It makes me want to become a hermit and never leave my house and not socialize at all. There is so much disappointment out there. Some poeple just get things and others have to work very hard for just a taste of it only to lose it real quickly.

People tell me be positive it will happen. Being positive doesn't get you shit. Forget all that noise. Being positive isn't going to make things fall from the sky for you. Whatever dude. I am so over people and this crap. People suck and will only disappoint you if you live long enough. My list of goals hasn't gone down a bit.

Saturday with the Family

Okay, so I felt like spending Saturdays with my family was fun and a good thing.  Lately, I am not so sure.  My mother is now very hard of hearing and misunderstanding everything that comes out of your mouth and thinks she hears you say things you didn't and gets angry.  Having a conversation with her is the worst thing in the world right now.  She spends the majority of her time arguing with me or taking naps.  Not much fun.  then there is my brother the strangest person.  He feels like things should just happen to him for no reason.  He should have a great man no matter how he treats them.  He should make a lot of money and not work for it.  He should be happy and not have anything to do with it.  I dont understand him and i get real annoyed with him. 

One thing i dont get.  i am getting ready to leave.  these folks havent left their house all day.  i am getting ready to leave my hands are full carrying things.  i cant get someone to hand me something i have to say please.  how about i say F^&* you instead and then punch you in your junk.  WTF?  I need to say please in order to get you to behave like a human being.  and you deserve all of this nice shit.  Also, he doeesnt know how to have a conversation.  he interrupts you so you cant talk.  monopolizes the conversation and is annoying. 

i am going to have to cancel the so called plans i was going to make with him and really hurt his feelings.  i dont really care.  too much stress with those people.  i will have to decrease my time spent at that house by a lot.  maybe once a month or soemthing less than that.  what will i do with  my spare time?  that is the question.  hmmm, i used to think that spending time with the family was a good thing but i think they are hurting me and not helping me.

Fingers Crossed

Man, I hope I am pregnant.  I want a baby so badly I went the wrong way to get one.  I have no idea how my cycle is this month.  With all of the stress at work I'm not sure what day would be baby making day.  Maybe I can get him to have sex with me again on Wednesday.  It was great.  I didn't have to do anything which is my favorite way of doing things.  He was so into me he did all of it.  Also, I don't remember ever being as flexible as I was last night but that was a good thing.

Reno

Last December, I spent a weekend with a guy that I really liked.  It was the worst weekend getaway I have ever had.  On this trip this guy tells me he doesnt like having his picture taken because he isn't photogenic.  He is now on facebook and takes frequent pictures with his now girlfriend who he is in love with.  I am seriously confused.  How did he get a girlfriend so quickly?  After that weekend he and I never spoke again.  He met someone just before we went to reno together which is why he was so mean to me.  He and I obviously weren't a match.  I hope I never see him again.  I feel strongly that nothing good comes from Benicia. 

I have been thinking about Jason all weekend.  He hasn't text me.  He must be having a great time with his mom and sister which means that I will not hear from him until he comes back to work and needs a favor.  I know he and I are not a match but when am I going to meet my match?  People tell me the same thing over and over.  That when you are least expecting it, it will just happen.  I am always least expecting a relationship with form with someone so this clique isn't going to work for me.  I am getting older and I really need to have children soon.  I don't know why I am such repellent to men but I am.

i have been doing some research on myself.  I have found that I have a fear of committment, intimacy and trust issues.  I am not sure how a relationship will work?  I honestly thought that Jason would just change his mind and want to be more than friends.  I thought that if I got a new job in another department it would motivate him to ask me out and want to be more than friends.  I was wrong.  He has a date next Friday with a woman that he refers to as his starbucks stalker.  He doesn't find her attractive and claims he wouldn't want anything to do with her but he is going on a date with her.  I really dont get it.  He told me that he is looking forward to the date.  I thought he didn't like her?  Does he even know what he is saying?  I don't know what this means.

I felt like he was being a good friend to me last week. I am not so sure anymore.  I cried infront of him but I'm not sure if he caught that.  he can be so clueless sometimes.  Why is he going out on a date with this lady?  I am going to ask him how it went and be somewhat supportive but I am not liking that he will go out on a date with someone he isn't fond of and he refuses to date me.  There really must be something wrong with me.  I don't know what it is but there must be something.

Cowboy text me today.  This guy really isn't the guy for me.  He isn't awesome at all.  Where is the guy for me?  When will I meet him?  What is the hold up?

I wonder what this week will be like.  I assume just as dramatic as the last week was.  My goodness I vow to not to participate in any gossip for the entire week.  I really don't care for it.  I mean I talk shit when folks get on my nerves but I dont like knowing about all the dumb stuff that goes on at work.  I would rather come in and do some work and be done with the people that work there.  All the crap that comes out of their mouths is just annoying to me.  I mean people who ear hustle on conversations are just plain annoying to me.

Someone need to tell Jason to get his head out of his ass.  I know he has feelings for me and he isn't going to act on them because he is a lame sack.  I mean really.  He remembered that I went on a Disneyland date.  I forgot that I went on that date and that was like almost 2 years ago.  How does he remember me going out on that date and I nearly forgot?  He also holds my stuff when we go to lunch.  When we were in a meeting and sitting at different tables, he text me asking me how my lollipop was because he was watching me from a distance.  Then, the next day I caught him checking me out. 

I didn't get the job

I hate when I try something and fail.  I really hate it.  I'm so good at work why wouldn't someone want to hire me.  I mean I can learn just about anything and do it well.  I don't like to fail so not getting this job really bothers.  I don't like admiting to my friends that I didnt get the job either.  I mean really it's embarassing.  I think I did all I could to put myself out there and let it be known that I really wanted this position.  I don't think there was anything else I could have done.  It's fine.  They don't want to hire me they dont have to but I really wanted to give my two week notice this week. I am just forever stuck in recreation and I hate that.  I dont like my boss she is a complete idiot.  I dont know how she got her job other than brown nosing and being in the right place at the right time.  I have no idea what that is all about.  I dont care for two of my coworkers they are petty little gossip queens and I dont have time for their immaturity.  going to have to cut 'em at the knees whenever i hear that gossip bs.

my work friend has been getting on my nerves these past couple of weeks. he doesnt know what to say and so he says nothign when im in a crisis and i cant stand that shit.  he always says the wrong thing and it pisses me off.  he doenst understand what he is donig so its like getting mad a complete idiot who doesnt get things so i have been distancing myself from him.  he is oblivious to me.  i dont think i can talk to him for a while.  maybe june.

i feel like im going through so many things alone.  which is fine i just dont get any understanding or empathy from anyone else and i hate that.  because i am told that i need to be understanding of others but i am not given the same courtesy.  i am feeling real shitty.  i am going to have to turn to tequila and margarita mix.

Yet another hateration

This girl who I can't stand felt the need to tell my buddy that she is predicting our falling out. She explained that she wrote down the date when she and I would have our falling out and when it happens she will pull out her prediction and treat herself to a pedicure.  Now, I am wondering what kind of sick person does things like this?  She needs to get a life.  Instead of going home after her shift she felt to have this 45 minute conversation with someone instead of going home.  I guess she has nothing to go home too.  If she is wasting almost an hour at work and not getting paid for it.

What to do with trouble makers in the work place. This is the same girl that warned my buddy from going to lunch with me because she will develop a reputation for going to lunch with me.  Who cares.  What is that all about?  That girl begged me to go to lunch with her.  It is all jealousy.

cowboy wont text me back

i thought i was doing so well with dating this cowboy but i text hikm on friday and he didnt text back.  it is now saturday evening andi havent heard back from him.  he may just be over me.  thats not a good thing.  i am sad now.

Monday

Mixed signals.  I guess it's a great thing to have someone who wants to spend a lot of their free time with you.

Yet another high expectation

1. being taken advantage of because I am capable
2.

I'm ready for lunch... who invited her...

Okay, so who invited stalker to the lunch.  i mean honestly i dont like this person.  she is trying to find ways to weasel herself into my life.  she is so unhappy in her own life that she feels like she needs to copy me to be someone.  i do not like this.  parking next to me. copy
I really don't understand why someone doesn't have her own sense of self. off with her head is all i have to say about that.

Braggers

Okay, can I just say that I am more than tired of listening to people brag.  I say I have a not so good lunch someone has to brag about how awesome their lunch is.  I say how cold I am in my office and someone has to mention how nice, warm and toasty they are resting at home.  I mean honestly.  Am I just surrounded by assholes?  I owe money on taxes someone brags about how much money they are getting back.  I can't afford a vacation so someone says how often they are going on vacation and where and then asks me what they should bring and do there.  What kind of assholes are these?  My brother, sister, mother and the jerk who is supposed to be my friend at work.  I mean honestly what kind of people are surrounding me?  Jerks.

Gossip Queen

It is always interesting to hear from someone else how my life is going.  Apparently, I have a stalker fan in the office.  This woman is obessessed with me so much that she has started to invent stories about my life and share them with several staff members in the office as if they were fact.  In addition to the storytelling, she has also decided to copy my personalized ringtone on my cell phone and the decor in my office.  Now, I am not the kind of person who is flattered by people who copy me.  I find it annoying and strange.  I keep imagining that this is going to turn into that movie Single White Female.  Now that is freaking me out. 

The time change has been in my favor.  I feel so much better with daylight savings time.  Like I am back on schedule.  Check this out, today is a guy's birthday who i havent dated in over two years.  How or why I remember his birthday is beyond me.  The other thing I don't really understand about myself is why I feel the need to text him Happy Birthday.  Especially since this is the guy that never called me after we spent a weekend together.  Something is wrong with me.

That's okay.  Something can be wrong with me.  I am still in love with one of my good friends.  I don't plan on doing anything about it.  He knows about my feelings and doesn't share the same feelings what so ever but he hasn't stopped being my friend.  I don't really understand it but whatever right.  I guess a part of me wishes that he would change his mind about me and decide to date me.  When and if that time ever comes.  I don't think I would be interested in him.  That is how warped I really am.  I like to chase not be chased myself.  Control issues I assume.

I haven't gone on a date since that super chatty guy that was spitting food on me and in my glass when he was talking.  Not a good time.  He was real into me and I wasn't into him at all.  I wish that this was the year where I finally meet a guy that I am interested in that is also interested in me.  Who knew that this would be such a challenge.  That's because I really dont like many folks.

Career Sabotage.

Okay so things I want to work on:


Visualize yourself as you want to be:
If you can see it, you can have it.  Picture yourself in the role you want.

Operation Weight Loss

I have been setting myself up to fail.  That really must be it because I have the best intentions with being successful and I have been failing miserably.

January 2012

Okay so it is the first month of the year. I have been wondering what goal I will accomplish this year. Will it be travel, a promotion, a new relationship or family matters?

I really would like to travel more this year. When I say travel I mean take mini vacations or weekend getaways during April and October. Where would I go? I was thinking about going to Las Vegas and having a spa weekend during April but I am so cheap I just can't bring myself to spend the money. I also have some whale watching tickets so I could make a trip to Dana Point and stay the weekend there. I would rather go to Las Vegas than Dana Point. Also, San Diego would be a nice trip as well and hit up the Wild Animal Park.

I am also hoping that I will advance in my career somehow. Last year, I got into this highly competitive program at work and I will be done by the middle of this year. I hope that the completion of this program will give me a lot more opportunity and progress my career. I finally moved back into an office. I started off the year right at work. I am able to be more productive in the office than in the cubicle. I am able to relax and focus. It was great. Now all I have to do is get is decorated to my style so I can feel more at home. Things are looking really good.

I thought that I would be in a relationship by now and I just can't seem to make it work with the dudes. I know I always say this but I am not sure what to do in this area. Should I give up on trying to find a boyfriend? I should put myself out there more. I can join an online dating site and vow to make more of an effort to meet men socially. Now how would I do that? Dating events, speed dating, clubs/bars/lounges, parties, ask friends to set me up, meet up groups. I guess things along those lines.

Also, I am in a place in my life that I want to look into having my own child. I also want to look into what is required for adoption of a child and then the other thing I am interested in is buying a new home in 5 years or so. That means I want to pay off a lot more of my debt so I don't have a lot of bills to pay. A baby is what I have always wanted. The end of this year it is a priority. With my mother moving closer to my home it makes it more convient for me to have a child so she can watch the child while I go to work. I am not sure how much time she has left but I know my mother would love to have a grandchild around.

I guess I just gave myself a whole laundry list of life goals. I hope I am able to progress in some areas.

Looking at the past year, I have accomplished a promotion, dated a little bit, traveled some and was social. This year is going to be a lot more fun. I am hopeful for 2012 and I feel great about it.