Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday 12/31/12
Say goodbye to 2012 and hello 2013. I have a great feeling about the new year. I am saying goodbye to old way of thinking and past relationships that are destructive to my wellbeing. I am also looking to do more for myself and not take everything so seriously. one day at a time and chill is my new way of living. also, i have been feeling the need to clean more and often. i dont know why but this can only be a good thing. I also plan on taking two vacations this year. short trips but lots of fun and time to decompress. palm springs and salem.
i am still happy about my decision and as it turns out he must be happy too because i havent heard from him at all. i wonder if he will text me happy new year and i think this is the final test. that will be the final confirmation that he is done with me if i do not hear from him for new years. i guess i dont really need him or want him in my life. i have been real chill. cooking, cleaning and reading books. taking things slowly and enjoying myself before i have to go back to work.
anyway, i will see what is up in a few hours.
Happy new year.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday 12/23/12
The day before christmas eve. I am alone. I like it that way. I have a list of things I need to do before I housesit for the next week. The only bad thing about me being alone is that I am alone with my thoughts and who knows where they will take me. I have been watching movies on netflix streaming but i think i am to a point where i have seen just about everything on netflix streaming that i am intersted in. now i am watching not so interesting stuff and it is bothering me. I really want to be active and go on this walk that i planned on doing but for some reason i cant get off my butt and go outside. it is still early i am just really comfortable and it is cold outside. my two little dogs are keeping me company on the couch one on each side keeping me warm. i really love those two little fuzzy bodies.
The year is just about over. I have accomplished goals that i set last year. A new job which was priority number one and I am happy to have left that job and that i am learning new things. My next goal is a family. I want children so bad and i am not getting any younger. I love my chihuahuas but I want actual children. I keep dreaming of them too. Before my dreams were real vague when it comes to children now they are getting more detailed. I can see their faces now and they have a voice. I really want them so bad. I feel like everyone i grew up with is married with children or pregnant. i am not married or in a relationship or pregnant. i would take pregnant over married but i would like to be married. after putting up such a fight over married i would like to be married just to have someone in my life who is legally obligated to pay for half of our living expenses and our children. i mean it doesnt sound so bad when you put it into dollars and cents.
the silly thing about me is that i thought that zack was the guy for me. i thought that he and i made perfect sense and that we got along so well. the thing with me is that i have crushes on me for a real long time but when they like me back i dont want anything to do with them. i know this has to be a fear of intimacy and committment and abandonment. i know i have issues otherwise i wouldnt seek out unavailable men or men who want nothing to do with me. it really is a sickness and it has to do with me having daddy issues i am sure.
i thought zack understood that and i thought we were making such excellent progress in our relationship. maybe we were and that is why he pushed back so much. either way it isn't like him to not give me a gift or something for the holidays. he must really be upset. i will eventually stop talking about hiim and stop thinking about him entirely just like i did with all of the other men i have been interested in. he will only be a memory that i have to force myself to realize or remember that this actually happened. that i used to talk about him so much and think about him so much and fanticize about having a family with him and spending my life with this man. then he will meet someone and fall in love in the next two years. this seems to be what happens with me and my guys. they next girl they meet they fall for.
i am such a sad case. alone, lonely woman with dogs who writes about a man who doesnt love her on a daily basis in hopes that this will serve as some kind of therapy because i have to get it out somewhere. i have to get this out and since talking about it makes me feel like shit if i write about it anonymously then i can say whatever i want and not care.
The year is just about over. I have accomplished goals that i set last year. A new job which was priority number one and I am happy to have left that job and that i am learning new things. My next goal is a family. I want children so bad and i am not getting any younger. I love my chihuahuas but I want actual children. I keep dreaming of them too. Before my dreams were real vague when it comes to children now they are getting more detailed. I can see their faces now and they have a voice. I really want them so bad. I feel like everyone i grew up with is married with children or pregnant. i am not married or in a relationship or pregnant. i would take pregnant over married but i would like to be married. after putting up such a fight over married i would like to be married just to have someone in my life who is legally obligated to pay for half of our living expenses and our children. i mean it doesnt sound so bad when you put it into dollars and cents.
the silly thing about me is that i thought that zack was the guy for me. i thought that he and i made perfect sense and that we got along so well. the thing with me is that i have crushes on me for a real long time but when they like me back i dont want anything to do with them. i know this has to be a fear of intimacy and committment and abandonment. i know i have issues otherwise i wouldnt seek out unavailable men or men who want nothing to do with me. it really is a sickness and it has to do with me having daddy issues i am sure.
i thought zack understood that and i thought we were making such excellent progress in our relationship. maybe we were and that is why he pushed back so much. either way it isn't like him to not give me a gift or something for the holidays. he must really be upset. i will eventually stop talking about hiim and stop thinking about him entirely just like i did with all of the other men i have been interested in. he will only be a memory that i have to force myself to realize or remember that this actually happened. that i used to talk about him so much and think about him so much and fanticize about having a family with him and spending my life with this man. then he will meet someone and fall in love in the next two years. this seems to be what happens with me and my guys. they next girl they meet they fall for.
i am such a sad case. alone, lonely woman with dogs who writes about a man who doesnt love her on a daily basis in hopes that this will serve as some kind of therapy because i have to get it out somewhere. i have to get this out and since talking about it makes me feel like shit if i write about it anonymously then i can say whatever i want and not care.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Saturday 12/22/2012
Well, I got up at 4 this morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. I don't know why but I just couldn't go back to sleep. It is finally cold and I have all of my heaters on. My dogs are freezing their little fuzzy bunnies off too. I put their sweaters on and one of them is really pissed at me because he doesn't like wearing his sweater. Anyway, I heard from cowboy last night. He told me that he likes me. for some reason, that really meant a lot to me. I have been feeling like nobody likes me these days. I really, really want to be married but I am having a difficult time finding someone I like. I don't think cowboy is the guy for me. He doesn't have much going on and doesn't have any goals. He is content with where he is and he is working two jobs and struggling to pay his bills. He doesn't have time for me and no money to do things with. I don't have money either so it would be a good idea to be with someone in the same place as me or with more money right. I don't know but we don't have anything in common and he talks a lot. i think its because he is nervous but who knows.
I thought that i would meet someone online this year but that didn't happen. i met cowboy this year and dave last year and aaron the year before that. so far nothing is sticking just dating. now that zack is out of the picture i guess i should be able to focus better on finding someone else and not relying on him as a back up or to fullfill a need that i have from the opposite sex.
i am having a charlie brown marathon at home trying to get into the holiday spirit and it is working. i am very happy that we are not exchanging gifts this year one less thing to worry about. i dont like spending the money and doing all the shopping for other folks only for them to not liek the gift or to give me a gift that i dont like. i am so happy about that this year. i am going to be housesitting for my sister for a week. basically watching her dogs and keeping them company and staying at her unfriend house. i could be a nice house but it is cold and dark. i dont know why they just dont know how to create a home but they dont. their furniture sucks as well.
anyway, i have a schedule that i created for myself in order to continue being physically active during this time of year when i dont want to do anything and just stay at home on th ecouch wiht my dogs. i have mapped out a mile and a half walk and my challenge is to walk that at least once this break. i have also mapped out a few routes around my sisters place for me to do while i am on break. the only thing is that i heard it is supposed to rain so we will see if i am able to get out there.
lets start the new year off fresh. i am very excited about 2013. i feel like the baby is coming. i am very excited to meet someone and start a family
I thought that i would meet someone online this year but that didn't happen. i met cowboy this year and dave last year and aaron the year before that. so far nothing is sticking just dating. now that zack is out of the picture i guess i should be able to focus better on finding someone else and not relying on him as a back up or to fullfill a need that i have from the opposite sex.
i am having a charlie brown marathon at home trying to get into the holiday spirit and it is working. i am very happy that we are not exchanging gifts this year one less thing to worry about. i dont like spending the money and doing all the shopping for other folks only for them to not liek the gift or to give me a gift that i dont like. i am so happy about that this year. i am going to be housesitting for my sister for a week. basically watching her dogs and keeping them company and staying at her unfriend house. i could be a nice house but it is cold and dark. i dont know why they just dont know how to create a home but they dont. their furniture sucks as well.
anyway, i have a schedule that i created for myself in order to continue being physically active during this time of year when i dont want to do anything and just stay at home on th ecouch wiht my dogs. i have mapped out a mile and a half walk and my challenge is to walk that at least once this break. i have also mapped out a few routes around my sisters place for me to do while i am on break. the only thing is that i heard it is supposed to rain so we will see if i am able to get out there.
lets start the new year off fresh. i am very excited about 2013. i feel like the baby is coming. i am very excited to meet someone and start a family
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Visit to the old dept
so an ex-coworker had their retirement party today and i went. despite the fact that i didnt receive an invitation because the person sending them out is a bitter old hag. I went and had a great time. i was welcomed by all or by most is what i should say. someone who i thought was my friend didnt talk to me or really awknowledge that i was there. i dont understand what is up with that person but check the deuces homie.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Wednesday 12/19/12
Today is a great day. I get to leave after our company lunch today and that is awesome. i decided yesterday to defriend or unfriend zack. after he embarassed me monday by ignoring me and not showing appreciation of the gift i made from scratch for him i dont think he deserves to be in my life. i took a poll from my friends and not one person feels i should let him be in my life. i honestly dont think he wants to be in my life anyway.
in my meditation class last night i was in tears balling because something came to light that i have buried deep. i have to get rid of him. he doesnt respect me and it has been my experience that people will always treat you however you let them. he isn't learning and i am not being hard enough on him to teach him. so i have to be done with him.
unfriending him on facebook may not work because he doesnt post to my wall ever anyway but i do know that he does facebook stalk me. this is good for me but will also be a test to see if he even notices and if he does notice what does he do with it.
i just remembered that i also sent him some of my favorite tea and he didnt thank me for that. i have to be done because no matter how busy someone is there is no excuse for bad behavior or rudeness towards a friend or towards someone who is showing you kindness.
in my meditation class last night i was in tears balling because something came to light that i have buried deep. i have to get rid of him. he doesnt respect me and it has been my experience that people will always treat you however you let them. he isn't learning and i am not being hard enough on him to teach him. so i have to be done with him.
unfriending him on facebook may not work because he doesnt post to my wall ever anyway but i do know that he does facebook stalk me. this is good for me but will also be a test to see if he even notices and if he does notice what does he do with it.
i just remembered that i also sent him some of my favorite tea and he didnt thank me for that. i have to be done because no matter how busy someone is there is no excuse for bad behavior or rudeness towards a friend or towards someone who is showing you kindness.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Tuesday 12/18/2012
I can't wait for 2013. This is going to be a great year. i can feel it.
for some reason i keep dreaming about guys from my past. exboyfriends and ex-crushes. it might have to do with seeing on their facebook pages that these men who wanted nothing to do with me are now in relationships with manly looking females. i mean to each their own but i look a million times better than these chicks. which leads me to believe that the way i look isn't the problem it has to be something else.
i have come into contact with someone who turned out to be real attractive so i have been thinking about him a lot. i dont think anythign will come of it because he lives far away but it is nice to think about things like that. he is real attractive. i feel like i should tell him so but he probably hears that all the time.
i feel great. i had a great lunch today burrito bowl from chipotle. i got some sun and a walk in so i am feeling good right now.
yesterday zack acted like he didnt know me. which i dont really understand what his problem is. he didnt want to walk over to a party with me. while at the party he didnt sit with me. he came over to my table later but when i wasnt there. then when i came over he left. when i would move around the room he would come near me but not talk to me. i have no idea what that is all about. it did bother me. like he didnt want anyone to know or show anyone that we were cool but he couldn't stay away. i have no idea what that is but it proves that he is garbage. if he is too ashamed of me or whatever then forget him. i have no idea what is going on but i dont have a crystal ball to figure it out. i think he is mad or something at me and isn't trying to get caught up in anything with me. especially since i experience emotions and i am loud about it. i think i made him uncomfortable. i dont really care if i do. i cant help feeling what i feel and he was concerned about me then he wouldnt allow for me to feel that way by acting the way he does. this makes sense to me but not to him. he doesnt get it.
i have been thinking about him a little but not very much. he wont let me. his family is coming in town tomorrow i think. i doubt that he will do anything with me over break or for the holiday. if he doesn't then our friendship is definately over.
i have been talking to some friend and they have given me excellent advice on the whole thing. if someone isn't treating you right this is what you do.
"You love yourself more.. When we can fully appreciate what we bring to table it's easier to evaluate who is contributing to your life and who is detracting from it. So love yourself more.. Then you will have no choice but to acknowledge your value and demand that they put more on the table if they want to stay at the table. "
i guess if iw as to take this person's advice i would just walk away.
for some reason i keep dreaming about guys from my past. exboyfriends and ex-crushes. it might have to do with seeing on their facebook pages that these men who wanted nothing to do with me are now in relationships with manly looking females. i mean to each their own but i look a million times better than these chicks. which leads me to believe that the way i look isn't the problem it has to be something else.
i have come into contact with someone who turned out to be real attractive so i have been thinking about him a lot. i dont think anythign will come of it because he lives far away but it is nice to think about things like that. he is real attractive. i feel like i should tell him so but he probably hears that all the time.
i feel great. i had a great lunch today burrito bowl from chipotle. i got some sun and a walk in so i am feeling good right now.
yesterday zack acted like he didnt know me. which i dont really understand what his problem is. he didnt want to walk over to a party with me. while at the party he didnt sit with me. he came over to my table later but when i wasnt there. then when i came over he left. when i would move around the room he would come near me but not talk to me. i have no idea what that is all about. it did bother me. like he didnt want anyone to know or show anyone that we were cool but he couldn't stay away. i have no idea what that is but it proves that he is garbage. if he is too ashamed of me or whatever then forget him. i have no idea what is going on but i dont have a crystal ball to figure it out. i think he is mad or something at me and isn't trying to get caught up in anything with me. especially since i experience emotions and i am loud about it. i think i made him uncomfortable. i dont really care if i do. i cant help feeling what i feel and he was concerned about me then he wouldnt allow for me to feel that way by acting the way he does. this makes sense to me but not to him. he doesnt get it.
i have been thinking about him a little but not very much. he wont let me. his family is coming in town tomorrow i think. i doubt that he will do anything with me over break or for the holiday. if he doesn't then our friendship is definately over.
i have been talking to some friend and they have given me excellent advice on the whole thing. if someone isn't treating you right this is what you do.
"You love yourself more.. When we can fully appreciate what we bring to table it's easier to evaluate who is contributing to your life and who is detracting from it. So love yourself more.. Then you will have no choice but to acknowledge your value and demand that they put more on the table if they want to stay at the table. "
i guess if iw as to take this person's advice i would just walk away.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday 12/17/2012
I have no idea how much i weigh. I was afraid to get on the scale this morning. I have had a real eventful weekend full of cooking and shopping. My two favorite things to do. I have decided what i want in my home so my home projects list is ready.
Kitchen
1st: remove kitchen cabinets and hinges
2nd: paint kitchen cabinets
3rd: install cabinets with new hinges
4th: install knobs on cabinets
5th: new backsplash
6th: new countertops
bathroom
1. spackle bathroom ceiling
2. paint ceiling arabian sands
3. paint bathroom toasted wheat
kitchen:
backsplash
countertops
I have a great feeling about this.
Kitchen
1st: remove kitchen cabinets and hinges
2nd: paint kitchen cabinets
3rd: install cabinets with new hinges
4th: install knobs on cabinets
5th: new backsplash
6th: new countertops
bathroom
1. spackle bathroom ceiling
2. paint ceiling arabian sands
3. paint bathroom toasted wheat
kitchen:
backsplash
countertops
I have a great feeling about this.
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