The day before christmas eve. I am alone. I like it that way. I have a list of things I need to do before I housesit for the next week. The only bad thing about me being alone is that I am alone with my thoughts and who knows where they will take me. I have been watching movies on netflix streaming but i think i am to a point where i have seen just about everything on netflix streaming that i am intersted in. now i am watching not so interesting stuff and it is bothering me. I really want to be active and go on this walk that i planned on doing but for some reason i cant get off my butt and go outside. it is still early i am just really comfortable and it is cold outside. my two little dogs are keeping me company on the couch one on each side keeping me warm. i really love those two little fuzzy bodies.
The year is just about over. I have accomplished goals that i set last year. A new job which was priority number one and I am happy to have left that job and that i am learning new things. My next goal is a family. I want children so bad and i am not getting any younger. I love my chihuahuas but I want actual children. I keep dreaming of them too. Before my dreams were real vague when it comes to children now they are getting more detailed. I can see their faces now and they have a voice. I really want them so bad. I feel like everyone i grew up with is married with children or pregnant. i am not married or in a relationship or pregnant. i would take pregnant over married but i would like to be married. after putting up such a fight over married i would like to be married just to have someone in my life who is legally obligated to pay for half of our living expenses and our children. i mean it doesnt sound so bad when you put it into dollars and cents.
the silly thing about me is that i thought that zack was the guy for me. i thought that he and i made perfect sense and that we got along so well. the thing with me is that i have crushes on me for a real long time but when they like me back i dont want anything to do with them. i know this has to be a fear of intimacy and committment and abandonment. i know i have issues otherwise i wouldnt seek out unavailable men or men who want nothing to do with me. it really is a sickness and it has to do with me having daddy issues i am sure.
i thought zack understood that and i thought we were making such excellent progress in our relationship. maybe we were and that is why he pushed back so much. either way it isn't like him to not give me a gift or something for the holidays. he must really be upset. i will eventually stop talking about hiim and stop thinking about him entirely just like i did with all of the other men i have been interested in. he will only be a memory that i have to force myself to realize or remember that this actually happened. that i used to talk about him so much and think about him so much and fanticize about having a family with him and spending my life with this man. then he will meet someone and fall in love in the next two years. this seems to be what happens with me and my guys. they next girl they meet they fall for.
i am such a sad case. alone, lonely woman with dogs who writes about a man who doesnt love her on a daily basis in hopes that this will serve as some kind of therapy because i have to get it out somewhere. i have to get this out and since talking about it makes me feel like shit if i write about it anonymously then i can say whatever i want and not care.
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